On this particular day I was saddened by the imbalance of mankind. Whether it be due to those who take advantage of kindhearted trusting people or the disenfranchised. Or the parents who neglect the responsibility of financial or moral support to their children, with not a thought of the lifelong effect it has on not only their children but their children's children. When I was younger I was positive that karma would catch up with these people. I also believed that if one lived a good life, good things would happen. But as I have gotten older I realized sometimes that just doesn't happen in this lifetime. There comes a time when one has to come to terms with the fact that sometimes life just isn't fair and it has been that way throughout the ages.
The Native Americans had their country taken, black people became slaves. Bankers continue to take people's homes, crooked investors take innocent client's life savings, greedy landlords raise rents unfairly, fathers don't pay child support forcing mothers and children to live in poverty and I don't even want to talk about how I feel about drug dealers. Then there are people who are simply unjustly judged simply due to their color or creed.
In Phillip's soothing calm tone he simply said to me "Vengeance is not ours." It was as if I had heard those words for the first time. In my mind's eye, I saw the face of Martin Luther King who fought for his rights and more importantly for the rights of others, fully knowing in his heart that he would never, in his lifetime, experience the wonderment of seeing someone that he fought for become the President of the United States. I got it. Vengeance is not ours. Faith is ours. Faith that one must hold close to our hearts while trusting our path.
I had lost faith on my life path. Over the next few days I started to feel that all the work I had been doing on myself had brought all of these changes on, sort of as the ultimate life test. But I felt that I had failed the test because when I left Austin November 5, what I was feeling was scared, alone, confused and betrayed due to an accumulation of life's events. The final straw was the landlord from hell. I had no idea the effect this man would have on my life. Two years ago I felt like I was on top of the world, I made a verbal agreement with him. He had a duplex right smack dab where I wanted to live in Central South Austin. I was excited to make my home and studio in 78704. I spent thousands of my own hard earned money to remodel his duplex. I carelessly signed a 15 page, 2 year lease without reading the contents because we had a verbal agreement that I would be there much longer and possibly buy it later. Then reality hit. He wasn't a nice man and he lived next door. I planned my days around when he was home as to not have a confrontation with him, as did everyone else in the cul-de-sac. As soon as my lease was up he refused to renew it, knowing that with all the expensive artistic improvements, he would be able to rent it for much more than I was paying.
I haven't written much on my blog since June because I was devastated on so many levels. The contents of my home but more importantly, my studio went into storage. Since then I felt sort of paralyzed, afraid that if I said or wrote anything it would just give what I was feeling power or I would be judged as a failure, or even worse, it would sound like I was complaining or blaming when in reality I have just been trying to make sense of it all.
As many of you know I moved to St Louis to live with my son, his wife and my 5 yr old grandson for a while. Then the other night my son Christian voiced his concern. I had always been the light house in his life, the force of positive energy that he could depend on. My light has not been shining. As I lie curled up on the couch under a blanket, I was forced to put into words what I was feeling. All I could come up with was I felt like I had been knocked down so many times that I was having a hard time getting up. Feeling the need to just take a break from life, I stopped all my rituals of lighting a candles, praying and meditating. I stopped wishing on the first star in the sky at night, afraid to ask for anything because it felt as if everything I touched crumbled.
It didn't make sense. I had taken two art business classes from Kelly Rae Roberts, I was serious about taking my art business to the next level. I spent 2 years working day and night on myself and my art. I was doing art shows, selling art on Etsy, only to have it crumble when I lost my studio. Not only did I feel betrayed, but all of the betrayals of my life that I had not dealt with came to the surface. Sort of like the stories I hear about near death experiences, I had flashes of scenes in my life showing me how I could have handled situations in another manner as to not have been taken advantage of.
Through it all, those who believe in me, are still here. They took me in, helped me move and then move again and again, they took in my cat and my plants and gave me hope. They call me, email me and text me to make sure I am okay. I have realized that my achilles' heel is my home. Well, of course it is, I am a Taurus - Earth mother, homemaker. I have been devastated so many times due to the loss of my home and every time, it makes no sense. I now know that it is my life lesson and every time it happens I become less and less attached to material things. I have had this conversation with Phillip and gone so far as to relate it back to our Sephardic Jewish heritage.... but I am not going there, that is a whole other chapter in my blog.
Times are hard, not just for me but for everyone. Everyone is being faced with an acceleration of energy and now is the time to examine life long issues and make adjustments. We're in transition and in just a couple of days we will reach the point of alignment. On the Winter Solstice-Dec. 21, 2012, we're completing a 26,000 year cycle. This is huge. Our planet will align with the Great Central Sun, and the galactic center. Transmissions of unconditional, pure love will flow forth. Each of us will receive only to the extent we are capable of receiving. A perfect way to participate is to just let our identities soften and be fluid. Allow yourself to receive all the experiences, the love, the support you need to reflect and be present to this change. It is as much a beginning as it is an end.
Trust your path. Do not compare yourself to anyone, just be you. Let yourself go at your pace-- just being you. Perfect and beautiful.
