Monday, February 27, 2012

You Are Invited!


“ The moment one definitely commits oneself, then Providence moves, too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one's favor all manner of unforeseen incidents and meetings and material assistance, which no man could have dreamed would have come his way. Whatever you can do, or dream you can do, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it. Begin it now." 
- Kelly Rae Robert

Sunday, February 26, 2012

The Light at the End of the Tunnel Was Not a Train

Have you ever been so unhappy that you end up down on your knees asking God why you are where you are and how to get out? I was there not too long ago but I had a deep sense that if I burned enough candles and said enough prayers it would be soon be revealed with great rewards. I am experiencing the rewards now and I am so very GraTeFuL!

Too many wonderful things have happened this week to mention but I will just start with being interviewed by Zulma Bucio Cadena on her EduStory~Consciously Creative blog. Zulma is one of my artist friends that I met while taking Kelly Rae Robert's "Flying Lessons" e-course in August. This group of women have helped me to poll vault to the next level of my art career and amazingly, according to this interview, I have been an inspiration to them as well, even through some really dark times. I love that! It just goes to show you that we can all feed hundreds with just one loaf of bread!


Last night I had a tasty dinner with Nita, Lana and Martha at our favorite Italian bistro, Enoteca. Okay, we eat there a lot but we like calamari and campari and half of our family and a few friends work there ...and the ambiance is wonderful. After dinner we drove down the street to see The Preservation at The Continental Club. Yet another family affair with my niece and her husband in the band. I wish I could call them every morning and have them sing my song to me. Mario was probably working at Enoteca this morning and Cayce isn't a morning person so I guess that wouldn't work. It is kinda fun when I have people come up to me and say "Hey, you are CiCi! I love your song, Sweet Cecelia!" Me too! It is a great message to all ladies!

So when I got in my car after hanging out on the street saying bye, I decided I was having too much fun to just go put my pajamas on so I crossed the river to about as far north as I ever go to go to see my friends Chris and Christine at Donn's Depot. They were playing to a record breaking crowd of people and the energy level was amazing! I of course had to hang out and eat chocolate truffles and chat so I was up until 3 am. Yikes!  I had to be up at 7:30 this morning to go hang my art at the Hyde Park Bar & Grill on Duval for a show that will be there and at the Westgate location from now until after SXSW. I had been dreaming of showing my "Red Guitar" series during SXSW for four years! Thank you Anne for hanging my art in one of the front rooms facing the street! I will be having an art opening on Wednesday at the Duval location. More info on that to come.

This week is going to be busy. I have to paint 3 more "Red Guitars" for the Westgate Hyde Park Bar & Grill. Tomorrow or the next day, I am taking some of my art to Jeanne Roe at Navidad Farms on 290 West, past Oak Hill. I am so excited about having a place to sell my art in the far south end of town area since so many of my friends and family live in that area. Gift shopping in the hood and supporting local artists in a good thing! Right?

Whew!  I need a nap!  Thank all of my loving, inspiring and beautiful friends and family for being here to help me reach the light at the end of that long dark tunnel. You all have hearts of gold. Love, Love, Love you all. Mean it.




Friday, February 24, 2012

Providence



This morning I woke up at 4:30, I would normally go back to sleep but I have been listening to Wayne Dyer lately and he says to pay attention when you wake up at the same time early in the morning. It's "God's Time." Time to meditate, or whatever you do to connect. I find that to be true. I have amazing tell all dreams at that time and I find that when I listen to that voice and go with it, something really cool happens immediately. It isn't always pleasant but it is divine and when I listen, I make the right choices. The lesson for me here is to pay attention when being guided by Providence.

Lately when I wake up at this time the word "INSPIRE" comes to mind. Then as Providence would have it, I found a Wayne Dyer 3 CD set at "Half Price Books" about living an inspired life or living IN SPIRIT. My favorite spiritual leaders always break words down so that they really mean something and stick in my head. So my goal is to live an inspired life and when I stay in that place I take nothing for granted. Every situation brings with it a message that I pay close attention to.
Last night, after having dinner with Danny, Rene, Chris Wall and Winker at Jovita's, I had art night with my artist girlfriends at Jessica's house. So how is this for synchronicity? Last week before my friend Beth left to go spend a week in Boulder with her boyfriend, she came shopping at my studio for a birthday gift for Mary. (Mary hangs out with a group of Kerrville Folk Fest people that my ex-husband, Davis hangs with) Our friend Kathy (who introduced me to Tony) was giving her a 50th birthday party. Last night as I am sitting at Jessica's house creating art. Mary who I found out is Jessica's next door neighbor, walked in and said "Hi Christina! Thanks for the birthday gift!" Small world. In an instant, my artist friends merged with my musician friends.

It was a fun night not only because we were creating and sharing art but because somewhere half way through the night the conversation turned to Jessica's divorce and how some men seem to be threatened by the empowerment women feel when they are in the zone, creating. I see it in the art and music business. It takes a really strong man to be able to live with an empowered woman. In August, during the first week of "Flying Lessons" with Kelly Rae Roberts, she mentioned a documentary called "Who Does She Think She Is" about women and their art. I bought the documentary and watched it more than once because I related to the Hispanic lady who lived in New Mexico who lost her children in a divorce because she became a successful artist and her husband couldn't deal with it. Something like 80% of students in art school are women but only 40% of the art shown in galleries is by women. The same goes for music. I am so proud of my friend Christine Albert who is the Vice Chairman of the Recording Academy. She is the second woman to be an officer and now she is Vice Chair.... Thank goodness she has a loving and supportive husband.... I always look to them as roll models for a great team!
Created January 1, 2012 as a lesson in my "Life Class"
“ The moment one definitely commits oneself, then Providence moves, too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one's favor all manner of unforeseen incidents and meetings and material assistance, which no man could have dreamed would have come his way. Whatever you can do, or dream you can do, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it. Begin it now." 
- Kelly Rae Roberts

Sunday, February 19, 2012

Creating a Life With Depth and Color

I am starting my second year of being a more inspiring, prosperous artist. For the past month, I have been working on my Who, Why and What of my art business and even though it hasn't been easy, I have found that is has been an organic process for me.

Rene's Red Guitar
The mixed media on canvas phase of my art business started 4 years ago when I painted a "Red Guitar" for my friends Danny and Rene. I loved it so much that I just kept painting red guitars. Within a month I manifested a guitar playing boyfriend. (Be careful what you paint, you will manifest it!) Now I paint them because they inspire those that like music and  I have added other instruments to the series.

Last year I started painting my "Luna Chick" series. The paintings of young melancholy girls came from a deep emotional place that needed to be healed within me. I realized, after I saw the response,  realizing that many people have that inner child that needs healing. I have been told that my Luna Chicks seem to look into their soul and heal them. I have had so many people tell me that they are touch by them on a deep level and that they are very inspiring and empowering and end up buying one because they feel like they just can't live without it. Especially women. They felt that the positive affirmations hanging on the wall would create positive change.  I am familiar with that feeling. When I find music that touches me, I can listen to it for hours. I am now certain that the true purpose of my art is to reach out to people and inspire and encourage them. We teach what we most need to learn and so of course my own sense of inspiration and courage has been tested on the deepest level along the way.

As of a month ago I was still trying to figure out a relationship with someone who thinks I am too sensitive. I finally had to walk away, knowing that being intuitive and sensitive is just who I am. My sensitivity isn't a problem for me fortunately because I couldn't change it if I wanted to. I see it as a gift. I do see how it could be very much a problem for someone who doesn't engage on an emotional level, has a hard time with honesty and reading social cues. I spent a lot of time in that relationship analyzing and trying to fix something that couldn't be fixed. I had that a -ha moment 3 years ago when I had coffee with my friend Mo. She offered up some critical information that has helped me with all of my personal relationships. She was talking about her brother who had a string of failed relationships, a son that he wasn't close to and the inability to feel love and emotions on the level that the rest of us do. She told me he had Asperger's Syndrome. I spent that evening researching it on the internet. I came to the conclusion that it isn't a syndrome at all and in fact we are all just wired a little differently and there are varying degrees of that which would be considered to be on the OCD, ADHD, Asperger's and Autism spectrum. This realization changed my life. I now take notice when someone is uncomfortable in social situations or is just very picky about odd things. With this knowledge it is easier for me not to judge those that are just wired differently and I don't take it personally when they don't recognize me, when they are standoffish or aren't good at reading social cues. In fact, that is when I am most thankful for my overly sensitive nature. I rely on my sensitivity and intuition in social situations and I am courageous enough to allow my vulnerabilities to show and encourage others to do the same. I speak my truth verbally and through my art. I believe that each experience is right on time teaching us the lesson that is important for our self growth.

My life experiences haven't been easy because I do wear my heart on my sleeve but it has lead me to living a life with depth and color. I have sacrificed so much to live in this place. Most recently, a relationship with a man that I loved deeply who just doesn't get me.

Here is to living my life in truth, passion, depth in full color!

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

The Love of Art

Happy Valentine's Day! 
Today's blog is dedicated to the group of ladies in the "Fly Tribe" that have been on an amazing creative journey with me. Each of us began the journey because we all have a LOVE OF ART and we have inspired each other to fly higher in our souls journey.

I am posting some of my Valentine card art to represent my love of art. Enjoy!



I feel so honored that is Valentine card is being used by the


This is my favorite Valentine card I created with a vintage photo and a Paris postage stamp.


"You don't have to take me to Paris but you have to love me enough to want to."

See this card on Etsy!

1 Corinthians 13:4 is one of my favorite bible verses and Alphonse Mucha is one of my favorite artists. I combined the two and created this piece of art. 

See this card on Etsy!

 

 

Believe!

See this card on Etsy!


Please check out some of the other blogs too by clicking on the graphic.

Monday, February 13, 2012

The Scientist - "Back To the Start" Number One Song Today!

Talk about  Six degrees of separation, I feel like I am experiencing one degree today!

Last week I had lunch with my friend Christine Albert, she was going to spend the next couple of days shopping for four outfits to wear to the Grammy's and Grammy parties. How fun is that? I am guessing a lot of fun but a well deserved four nights of fun. Christine works hard all year as a board member of the Grammy's. She is often on conference calls or flying to LA between gigs with her husband, Chris Gage in their band Albert and Gage <----- go here and listen to their music, they will blow your socks off.  I was telling my artist friends at dinner the other night that I feel a little cheated that musicians get to hang out together all the time at their gigs, after the gigs, at award shows and we on the other had spend a lot of alone time in the studio only to get positive feed back at an occasional art show. I had to take my sister to a restaurant yesterday to sit and observe the reactions of customers to my art exhibit. Sad. LOL

So Christine and Chris were having a great time Facebooking updates from a party honoring Paul McCartney the other night such things as "We are standing 20 ft. from Paul McCartney." "Neil Young and David Crosby are at the next table." I came unglued when they said James Taylor was there.

Me? I was alone in my studio painting a commissioned "Red Guitar" painting, trying not to get paint on my laptop reading their updates. I'm not complaining, I'm just sayin'.

Then yesterday night 4, they went to the Clive Davis party. They heard Tony Bennett, Ray Davies, Jackson Brown, Alicia Keyes, Miranda Lambert and more. In the audience, Joni Mitchell, Tom Hanks, Jane Fonda, Elvis Costello and more. Then they started posting updates of the winners. We were all hoping that the locals like Chris and Marcia Ball would win. I was still working on my guitar painting, watching the Grammy's and talking to Martha on the phone so I didn't even see this awesome commercial that aired. Silly me, I didn't even think to ask Martha if her grandfather, Willie Nelson would be on the Grammy's and totally missed one of the best parts. Willie singing the "ColdPlay" song "Back to Start. Watch this it is sooooo awesome! Back to the Start.

I heard through the grapevine this afternoon (from Willie) that "The Scientist" the song in the video, i
is THE NUMBER ONE SONG TODAY! Here is a review earlier this morning! Only Willie could steal the show and not even be at the Grammy's!  I love you Willie!

Willie Nelson sings Coldplay better than Coldplay?

There was also a little plug for Musicares at the end of the Grammy's.
Read more about Musicares. They help musicians in times of need.
http://www.grammy.org/musicares

It is a small world isn't it? Martha was saying the other day that she saw a strange man (strange as in he didn't look like he was from around here) walking his dog on her property out southwest of town, and then found out that Sandra Bullock's ex husband, Jesse James lives across the creek. There is that ONE degree of separation again....

Sunday, February 12, 2012

A-Ha!

Thanks for asking the waiter to take this photo Jess!
Saturday I met with 7 of my artist friends for drinks and dinner on Congress Avenue and talked shop. We are taking a needed two week break in my "Soul Sessions" class to process some of the information that has thrown a few of us for a loop. Big life changes are shaking things up a bit and calling for us to take notice and make decisions about our lives. I felt right at home with a table full of creative souls that are following their soul's path. It seems that some of us are shedding old skin and starting anew. I came home feeling energized! Then I stayed up until 2 am talking to Martha on the phone about creating our personal life improvements while simultaneously painting a commissioned "Red Guitar" painting. I love my life! I felt so stuck even a week ago. Now I feel like I am moving at lightening speed.  I am grateful.  Every day I am noticing more synchronicity. Really taking notice that when I am in a negative head space, I feel stuck and as soon as I decide to move out of the negativity, the energy starts to move. I get orders online or phone calls requesting art commissions. I am finding different strategies to move out of the negative. Sometimes all it takes is turning on some music and painting sometimes it is going to the gym.... whatever.... it is all working!


"Miracles appear in the strangest of places." ~ Willie Nelson

I spent the night at my brother's house the other night, helping my sister-in-law design labels for her skin care products and it seems that they are on the same path, taking a classes that are teaching some of the same things I am learning. I got a list of reading material from them on things like quantum alignment.... hummmm....

A couple of days ago Kelly Rae and Beth posted some of our A-Ha Moments on the "Soul Sessions" class website. Here is mine, in case you aren't reading the posts on the website or if you aren't a part of the class.

I am always amazed at how the Universe works. On Monday Jan. 16, this e-course began and like clock work the next day my long term relationship ended. Forever. No going back. It has been so hard to stay in the moment and do the work through the tears. Every time I tried to listen to the “WHO” lesson I would have to go take a bath and cry because all I could think of was that my “WHO” just walked out the door!  This morning I made a breakthrough listening to Melody Ross say“Nice girls are the target for narcissistic people.”

A light bulb came on! I was able to put together what she was saying and the words that my therapist told me last week. I told her that I had just repeated a pattern in my relationship and she asked how it made me feel. Of course she did, she is a therapist. I said “It made me feel that I am not enough.” She then said “Instead of feeling like you aren’t enough, have you ever thought that maybe they aren’t enough? Think about it. You were just saying that you tried to help raise his frequency to match yours. He wasn’t able to keep up.”

So, not only do we have a choice as to WHO we associate with on every level but it is important to our success to stand firm in only associating with those people that are on the same frequency as we are on. It is an important choice and sometimes a very hard one when you care about someone who isn’t ready to commit to themselves and commit to making positive changes, yet still complains that their life just isn’t working. Or maybe not even complaining because they don’t even see how much better it can be. You just have to walk away. I now know it is okay to say “No, this isn’t going to work for me.”

Until just recently, I believed that everyone can change with just a little love and support. Now I know there isn’t enough love on the planet to change someone who isn’t ready to change. Now I can stop dreaming, wishing, hoping and wanting and just go ahead and fly! Huge lesson! I don’t have to fix anyone no matter what kind of “potential” I see in them. All I can do is offer up the information and if it isn’t taken, walk on and don’t look back. This all goes back to what I learned on “Oprah’s Life Class. “When someone tells you who they are, listen!”

Note To Self: If you feel like you are soaring in your life, continue to soar, don’t look back. Don’t try to carry the load for someone who isn’t willing to do the work. You will find yourself crying on your knees asking yourself what you did wrong. You did nothing wrong. They were not up to the task. Move On!

Friday, February 10, 2012

Happy Birthday to My Darling Daughter-in-Law, Carrie!

Carrie, Christian and Andrew
Happy 30th Birthday to my darling daughter-in-law, Carrie!
...and her mom, Barb.
I couldn't have picked a better extended family
If I had tried.
How cool is it that in the midst of all the
Crazy 20 something year olds,
My son picked an angel to be his wife? 
Thank You Christian! 
I have enjoyed making beautiful memories with you,
I look forward to creating new memories,
I thank you for  having courage through the hard times,
My son is blessed to have you as his wife.
Andrew is so very blessed have you for a mother.
May all our dreams that we dream together come true!
May we all prosper and be in health.
Thank you for being a loving wife, mother and daughter.
I am so proud of you!
Love CiCi

Christina, Carrie, Barb and Sherry

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Dreams and the Power of Healing

This painting sold yesterday in perfect timing.
There is no question in my mind that we are all connected. I believe it even more so now that I have become aligned with all the ladies world wide through my "Soul Sessions" class. I woke up at 6 am day before yesterday because I had a bad dream. It seems that I do a lot of work in the wee hours of the morning. I went to the kitchen and turned on the coffee and came back to bed to write in my journal. I then looked at facebook to see what was going on with my "Soul Sessions" group. One of the ladies posted that she was blown away by the audio lesson for the day. Melody Ross told of a dream that she had that had changed her life. I went to the class website and listened, I was blown away as well. In her dream there was a tree and all the leaves were falling off and she was crying and trying to glue them all back on. She was not ready for changes in her life but came to the realize that there are seasons of change and eventually the leaves would grow back.

In my dream I was taken on a tour down a dark gray corridor through my relationship with Tony. A very kind, gentle man, who felt like my knight in shining armor (who I now see as my own male energy) was taking me on the tour. As we walked through dark corridors, it was as if we were walking on a time line. I could feel the presence of dark entities as we walked through cold, dark cloudy mist. My male friend kept pointing out signs of our very different paths that have run parallel for a time. He told me met much earlier but it wasn't time for us to be together. I guess he was talking about the 70s when my sister's boyfriend paid for his band to record an album. He showed me how in the beginning I was full of joy and love, totally blind to the reality of who he was even when I got signs. Then we arrived to the place in the time line when my brother was in a coma with a brain tumor and Tony's mother died. Tony reacted to the chaos by turning to his sex and alcohol addictions and we broke up for a time. He pointed to a time I had just moved into my new house and bought a new couch, bed, bed linens. I was so excited to share them all with Tony. He never really acted like any of it mattered however, he went out and bought a new bed, a red couch like my black one and red bed linens like mine. I was hurt that he didn't want to enjoy mine but wanted his own. Then we broke up again when I was nursing my son back to health after a drug addiction. Instead of being there to support me, he walked out only to come back for the good times, to go see Willie at ACL. My friend sat down and said "Sit with me. Do you remember when Tony started calling his band "The Charming Devils?" Up to this point, there were glimmers of light and Tony saw how it could be. He saw it in all your friends, but he really didn't know how to get from point A to point B. You were no longer constantly pouring your positive energy into the relationship but would offer only when asked, realizing he pushed you away when you got too close. Because he operates from a place of fear, when he felt you pull back, he went back to what is familiar, aligning with a much darker force. When he started calling his band the charming devils, don't you remember that he didn't look the same? You started to say no to things you knew where not in your best interest. You woke up because he had finally verbally spoken the truth of who he is.  Remember how the energy changed?   The truth was being revealed and you no longer heard what he said and he no longer heard anything you said. The spell was broken. That is when many of his band members fell away too.  There were some that tried to stay and like you could not live in the darkness, then there are those who already knew the darkness like William."

There was so much information I would have to write a book to share it all. There were cubbyholes along the way, he explained the contents of the cubbyholes to me. He showed me the exact places where he aligned with other women and the darkness that lived there. The game is always to keep as many women living in the untruth as possible. I said "But he he hurts so many people and he  knows it will all come crashing down." He said "He doesn't have the willpower to stop the train." I was shaking. He held me as we sat so I could take it all in and reaffirmed that I already had all this information.

We then walked just outside the dark corridor and sat in a beautiful garden. There was a bridge to an even more beautiful place. He said "You belong here. I am sorry that you suffer. It is your job to show as many people as possible to this garden. Don't be hurt when they don't understand your passion. You must learn when it is time to let go." I sat there crying looking at the trees I had planted in the garden for Tony and me remembering that he never took notice of the beauty of the trees. They were now dying and the leaves were falling. My friend said "There will be other seasons of growth, there are deep roots and those trees are still alive. Others will understand. Now I must go. You can go back down the dark corridor or you can stay in the garden. It is your choice."

Yesterday I spent the afternoon cutting back all the dead plants in my yard, gathering seeds to plant in the spring.

Monday, February 6, 2012

You did a good job Mom!


video
You did a good job Mom!
You raised a son that is an artist
who doesn't give a sh*t about football.
~ My Son, Christian

Last night I was having a conversation with Christian on the phone, we were trying to decide at the last minute what to take to Super Bowl Sunday parties. Neither of us watch football. He cracks me up. He said "You did a great job Mom, you raised a son that is an artist who doesn't give a sh*t about football." True that! Not only does he have no in football, he is a great chief, husband and father.... I am not going to take credit for all of that but Carrie said she married him because she like the way he treated his mom. Awwww.... sweet.

I had spent my weekend painting flowers that he drew. We have this awesome mother-son team, on all levels but especially as artists. He draws flowers and I paint and sell them. A few of them are on exhibit down the street from my house at the "Thundercloud Sub" at Lamar and Manchaca and the ones on this blog will be going up there in a couple of days.



Great News! Kelly Rae and Beth have decided to give us a 2 week break on our "Hello Soul, Hello Business" art business class. As it turns out, I am notthe only one who is having life shattering experiences. There is drama that is coming up for everyone in the class. Everyone's worst fears of being successful are surfacing and our lives as we know it are crumbling. Sometimes to be truly innovative, we have to shake things up a bit and make huge uncomfortable changes. We have step out of our comfort zones and let go of things and people that aren't working for our highest good. So now I have made room for positive change.  I told them next time they offer this class, they need to attach a warning. 


Warning: Only take this class if you are really ready to shake up your life and make big uncomfortable changes. This class is not for the faint of heart.
  

The first two flowers are by Christian.

Saturday, February 4, 2012

"Sex and the City" ... No Wait, We Are Just Friends

Have you ever watched "Sex and the City" and wondered how those ladies get into the situations they find themselves in?  For the past month I am feeling like Carrie writing  "Sex and the City" from the satellite office in Austin. And even weirder, I am living it. All I can say is I hope that whatever the lesson is in this, is learned right here and now because I don't ever want to be in this situation again as any of the players. It is has been a painful drain on my soul. I have so much more to do with my life.


If you have been following my blog, you already know that I broke up with Tony largely due to a woman named Suzanne who had been chasing him for a while. He called her two weeks after I broke up with him, saw her for a about a minute... okay maybe 2 months. According to her, they weren't sexually compatible so he very quickly moved on to seeing his ex-girlfriend, Leah, over the Christmas holidays, leaving Suzanne to believe there was something there. To top it off, he told me about both of the women IN AN EMAIL in January, after he had spent the month of December trying to reel me back in then went missing for the weekend in January. He seemed so surprise when I came unglued and told him I never wanted to see him again.


Now here is the funny part. He said he was being honest for the first time in his life and they were all "just friends" and wanted to be "friends" with me too. Well, looks like Tony is now very busy working his magic on his "friend" Leah because last night I got an email from Suzanne crying on my shoulder saying he couldn't seem to work her into his busy schedule and she is no longer invited to his gigs. Oh, this sounds familiar. You mean like when he was my boyfriend and he would "forget" to tell me about his gig so he could invite you to his gigs? She went on to say that she realized how difficult these last few years must have been for me and she hoped that this information would make me feel better about her and asked for forgiveness.


Really? Now that he has dropped her like a hot potato, she admits her wrong doing. And I should feel better why?  I had to explain to her again that he has made his way back to where his sex addiction thrives and she could have stayed in the game had she played it HIS WAY. I warned her 2 months ago and she defended him. It seemed odd that I had  to explain to her last night that she is no longer invited to his gigs because he now has Leah under his spell AGAIN for probably the 300th time in the past 20 years. In the eyes of an amateur it would seem that Leah is getting the better end of the deal. Not so, the honeymoon will be over for her soon. She is just another ....  well.... let's just say that just this week, he was still trying to reel me in to sleep with him.


Call me crazy but if he were being honest with everyone about his intentions, wouldn't everyone be invited to his gigs all the time? What a strange way to run a music business.


Ladies, listen to your intuition. You don't have to fix anyone no matter what kind of "potential" you see in them. Love does not hurt! Love is patient, love is kind. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. This all goes back to what I learned on Oprah's Life Class from Maya Angelou  "When someone tells you who they are, listen!" He renamed his band "The Charming Devils" last year and I hated it. I saw then we were headed for a fall and that is about the time his band members started to dissipate as well. Who goes around telling the world that they are a charming devil? Oh, a charming devil does.

Nice girls are the target for narcissistic people.  
~ Melody Ross, Brave Girls Club


My lesson. I have never seen myself as an addict until October. I finally had to admit that my life had become unmanageable due to an addiction to a relationship. When we feel incomplete we turn to our addictions and my addiction could never feel satisfied because I was in a relationship with a emotionally unavailable man who made me feel even more incomplete. Not only was I was feeling all of my emotions, I was feeling the emotions I felt that he should be feeling and didn't. I was like a ball in a cage, in the palm of his hand. Trapped in my addiction. I wasn't getting what I wanted out of the relationship and in the end, neither was he.


We look to outside sources to fill the void, anesticizing the feelings with our addictions. I spent October and November feeling like a phoenix rising from the ashes and then I fell right back into it in December and like any addict who has relapsed, I had to experience an even a lower bottom.  I have now began to rise again from the ashes but it makes me very sad that there is still damage being done. All I can do is pray for the highest good for all involved and walk away. 


I am looking for a miracle.

Friday, February 3, 2012

Saturn Return- Things are Happening Just As They Should

What is the Saturn Return? Just as it takes the Earth 365 days to orbit the Sun, it takes Saturn about 29.4 years for Saturn to return to where it was when you were born. So roughly the ages of 28-30 then again at 56-60 and again 84-90 Saturn return and creates a crisis that puts you face-to-face with your fears. But wait this sounds like something to dread but if you pay attention, it is really a time for growth.  It causes mini earthquakes to one's foundation, enabling us to shake off what's not for our highest good. Saturn is simply the instigator of change. It is all meant to lead us toward healing and a real foundation of self. At age 30, Vincent Van Gogh became a painter, instead of a minister. 
So, here I am half way into my 56th year. Entering into my second Saturn return. I have found myself RE-ACTING to the same scenario as the first Saturn return. And again the lesson is to let go of what's not working because when you hold on to things that Saturn is trying to break up, the suffering begins. Like being stuck in a relationship that's harmful to my spirit. Like Oprah says, listen to the whispers of the Universe so you don't have to get a thump on the side of the head and if you don't pay attention to the thump, you get a disaster.
At the age of 30 I was engaged to and living with Greg. About a year into the relationship, he realized that being in a monogamous relationship  and the step-father to my 2 children was just too much work. He took an easier route and left to go live with 4 women from his past, his "students" who were willing to support him financially while he taught. And even though he had moved out, he wanted to maintain our relationship on his terms. Hummm... sounds familiar, the same lesson has reappeared at age of 56. Unwilling to live by Greg's terms, I lost my house and car and it pole vaulted me into moving out of town to go back to art school which was the beginning of a new and better life. After I finished art school, I moved to Los Angeles and worked at an advertising agency. I never would have taken this leap of faith had it not been for the big shake up. 

So, here I am at my second Saturn return, I am taking 3 art classes and taking my art business to the next level. Right on time.  Re-writing my personal life script without the people and situations that no longer reflect who I am becoming. It is as if the unconscious conjuring up people, events, and situations that challenge and teach us. I have been challenged to look at the drama in my life as my responsibility and create a new and happier more prosperous life! See Saturn return isn't all bad. Today I am letting go of my past and trail blazing into new territory.

I Am Passionately Owning My Power and Feeling Beautiful!
Living in Love and Gratitude!

Thursday, February 2, 2012

Girls Are Like Apples


I love my friends and family. A while back my friend Vicki said this saying to me so now every time I see her she asks if I am still at the top of the tree. Until yesterday I was sitting miserably at the top of the tree. Then I had lunch with my friend Christine at the shiny new Kerby Lane on South Lamar. Somehow when I am around her I feel like my frequency changes and I just pull up to the best I can be. Don't ask me how that happens. Maybe because even though she is a very busy person she does things like text message like "You're my inspiration" (as a visual artist) sang to the tune of  "What Am I To You?" What a nice thing to say. Anyway, yesterday's lunch was just typical girl talk, catching up. Okay, reality, I whined and she told me about all the Grammy parties she get to go to.  When I got home I had a new revived feeling about how my life should look as an artist as a woman. There is a very organized Virgo sort of way Christine does what she does. I was thinking "I have Virgo somewhere in my chart, I can do that!" laughing at myself. Then I went to Donn's Depot to see her play last night with my new perspective. I felt like I was ready to take on the world and actually feeling like I could date someone new for the first time in 4 years! It was like magic!


So yesterday Vicki posted the link on my facebook with a note saying "You are the shiniest, most beautiful, most desirable apple on the tree and so valuable to so many. 

Then my darling niece, Camille wrote "You re loved, cherished and needed and remember to live out all the great learning you have opened your heart to. Just remember, you are a sought after, respected and cherished artist, friend and mother. Feelings are temporal and inaccurate, your legacy precedes you and defines you. BE YOU! Love you much. 

Today my sweet sister came over and fixed a bad haircut I got a couple of weeks ago.

I am feeling the love today! Okay then... I have been sitting here crying for two weeks because why?

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Inspiration

I woke up at 5 am to yet another bad dream. I put on some coffee, not feeling the inspiration I need to get my work done this morning before I go meet my trainer at the gym. The first thing on my list was to write my biography that is to go up with an art show that is about a month late. I haven't been able to pull together one cool thing to say about myself. Then I opened an email letting me know I am being featured on a blog today. It had a short bio of mine. Funny that I had forgotten who I am.  I am so thankful that the Universe is kind enough to whisper it in my ear. I really am grateful.

I am also grateful for my son, Christian. He called yesterday just as Tony was walking out the door. He had come over to change all of the contact and billing information on his website that I built over into his name. I am thinking that is the last of the lingering ties. I am amazed at how much of my time I spent building his musical career to have it end with him playing in a band with Bianca. It makes me sad. I have tried really hard to be friends with him but it just feels like he is stuck, even worse, going backwards and it feels so toxic. Boundaries are still very muddy and I am left feeling the emotions that he doesn't feel. Then I crash when he leaves.

Then I received an excited phone call from Christian about the new house he and his sweet little family are moving into in St Louis. Excited about planning our art business and going to market in Dallas. He reminded me that I was there for him getting over his addictions and he is here to help me get over my addiction to a bad relationship that has been equally as toxic. I am not sure why they call it heart break, my whole body hurts.

Iyanla VanZandt says there are but 2 emotions. Love and Fear. I am stuck in the fear this morning. There are 4 core fears and I am feeling them all.
  • Fear of losing someone's love. 
  • Fear of being powerless. 
  • Fear of losing control. 
  • Fear of not being necessary or valuable.
I also know that we are never fearful for the reason that we think we are. Triggers bring up old issues. So here is the wonderful blog with my art on it! I truly am grateful for the reminders that my art is inspirational and it is my goal to be an inspiration even when I am not having my best day.
Click here to see the blog I am featured in today