Showing posts with label truth. Show all posts
Showing posts with label truth. Show all posts

Sunday, February 19, 2012

Creating a Life With Depth and Color

I am starting my second year of being a more inspiring, prosperous artist. For the past month, I have been working on my Who, Why and What of my art business and even though it hasn't been easy, I have found that is has been an organic process for me.

Rene's Red Guitar
The mixed media on canvas phase of my art business started 4 years ago when I painted a "Red Guitar" for my friends Danny and Rene. I loved it so much that I just kept painting red guitars. Within a month I manifested a guitar playing boyfriend. (Be careful what you paint, you will manifest it!) Now I paint them because they inspire those that like music and  I have added other instruments to the series.

Last year I started painting my "Luna Chick" series. The paintings of young melancholy girls came from a deep emotional place that needed to be healed within me. I realized, after I saw the response,  realizing that many people have that inner child that needs healing. I have been told that my Luna Chicks seem to look into their soul and heal them. I have had so many people tell me that they are touch by them on a deep level and that they are very inspiring and empowering and end up buying one because they feel like they just can't live without it. Especially women. They felt that the positive affirmations hanging on the wall would create positive change.  I am familiar with that feeling. When I find music that touches me, I can listen to it for hours. I am now certain that the true purpose of my art is to reach out to people and inspire and encourage them. We teach what we most need to learn and so of course my own sense of inspiration and courage has been tested on the deepest level along the way.

As of a month ago I was still trying to figure out a relationship with someone who thinks I am too sensitive. I finally had to walk away, knowing that being intuitive and sensitive is just who I am. My sensitivity isn't a problem for me fortunately because I couldn't change it if I wanted to. I see it as a gift. I do see how it could be very much a problem for someone who doesn't engage on an emotional level, has a hard time with honesty and reading social cues. I spent a lot of time in that relationship analyzing and trying to fix something that couldn't be fixed. I had that a -ha moment 3 years ago when I had coffee with my friend Mo. She offered up some critical information that has helped me with all of my personal relationships. She was talking about her brother who had a string of failed relationships, a son that he wasn't close to and the inability to feel love and emotions on the level that the rest of us do. She told me he had Asperger's Syndrome. I spent that evening researching it on the internet. I came to the conclusion that it isn't a syndrome at all and in fact we are all just wired a little differently and there are varying degrees of that which would be considered to be on the OCD, ADHD, Asperger's and Autism spectrum. This realization changed my life. I now take notice when someone is uncomfortable in social situations or is just very picky about odd things. With this knowledge it is easier for me not to judge those that are just wired differently and I don't take it personally when they don't recognize me, when they are standoffish or aren't good at reading social cues. In fact, that is when I am most thankful for my overly sensitive nature. I rely on my sensitivity and intuition in social situations and I am courageous enough to allow my vulnerabilities to show and encourage others to do the same. I speak my truth verbally and through my art. I believe that each experience is right on time teaching us the lesson that is important for our self growth.

My life experiences haven't been easy because I do wear my heart on my sleeve but it has lead me to living a life with depth and color. I have sacrificed so much to live in this place. Most recently, a relationship with a man that I loved deeply who just doesn't get me.

Here is to living my life in truth, passion, depth in full color!

Saturday, February 4, 2012

"Sex and the City" ... No Wait, We Are Just Friends

Have you ever watched "Sex and the City" and wondered how those ladies get into the situations they find themselves in?  For the past month I am feeling like Carrie writing  "Sex and the City" from the satellite office in Austin. And even weirder, I am living it. All I can say is I hope that whatever the lesson is in this, is learned right here and now because I don't ever want to be in this situation again as any of the players. It is has been a painful drain on my soul. I have so much more to do with my life.


If you have been following my blog, you already know that I broke up with Tony largely due to a woman named Suzanne who had been chasing him for a while. He called her two weeks after I broke up with him, saw her for a about a minute... okay maybe 2 months. According to her, they weren't sexually compatible so he very quickly moved on to seeing his ex-girlfriend, Leah, over the Christmas holidays, leaving Suzanne to believe there was something there. To top it off, he told me about both of the women IN AN EMAIL in January, after he had spent the month of December trying to reel me back in then went missing for the weekend in January. He seemed so surprise when I came unglued and told him I never wanted to see him again.


Now here is the funny part. He said he was being honest for the first time in his life and they were all "just friends" and wanted to be "friends" with me too. Well, looks like Tony is now very busy working his magic on his "friend" Leah because last night I got an email from Suzanne crying on my shoulder saying he couldn't seem to work her into his busy schedule and she is no longer invited to his gigs. Oh, this sounds familiar. You mean like when he was my boyfriend and he would "forget" to tell me about his gig so he could invite you to his gigs? She went on to say that she realized how difficult these last few years must have been for me and she hoped that this information would make me feel better about her and asked for forgiveness.


Really? Now that he has dropped her like a hot potato, she admits her wrong doing. And I should feel better why?  I had to explain to her again that he has made his way back to where his sex addiction thrives and she could have stayed in the game had she played it HIS WAY. I warned her 2 months ago and she defended him. It seemed odd that I had  to explain to her last night that she is no longer invited to his gigs because he now has Leah under his spell AGAIN for probably the 300th time in the past 20 years. In the eyes of an amateur it would seem that Leah is getting the better end of the deal. Not so, the honeymoon will be over for her soon. She is just another ....  well.... let's just say that just this week, he was still trying to reel me in to sleep with him.


Call me crazy but if he were being honest with everyone about his intentions, wouldn't everyone be invited to his gigs all the time? What a strange way to run a music business.


Ladies, listen to your intuition. You don't have to fix anyone no matter what kind of "potential" you see in them. Love does not hurt! Love is patient, love is kind. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. This all goes back to what I learned on Oprah's Life Class from Maya Angelou  "When someone tells you who they are, listen!" He renamed his band "The Charming Devils" last year and I hated it. I saw then we were headed for a fall and that is about the time his band members started to dissipate as well. Who goes around telling the world that they are a charming devil? Oh, a charming devil does.

Nice girls are the target for narcissistic people.  
~ Melody Ross, Brave Girls Club


My lesson. I have never seen myself as an addict until October. I finally had to admit that my life had become unmanageable due to an addiction to a relationship. When we feel incomplete we turn to our addictions and my addiction could never feel satisfied because I was in a relationship with a emotionally unavailable man who made me feel even more incomplete. Not only was I was feeling all of my emotions, I was feeling the emotions I felt that he should be feeling and didn't. I was like a ball in a cage, in the palm of his hand. Trapped in my addiction. I wasn't getting what I wanted out of the relationship and in the end, neither was he.


We look to outside sources to fill the void, anesticizing the feelings with our addictions. I spent October and November feeling like a phoenix rising from the ashes and then I fell right back into it in December and like any addict who has relapsed, I had to experience an even a lower bottom.  I have now began to rise again from the ashes but it makes me very sad that there is still damage being done. All I can do is pray for the highest good for all involved and walk away. 


I am looking for a miracle.