Yesterday I was out on a limb.. today I am out on the ledge!

Really this "Business Soul Session" class needed to come with a warning:

Warning: This "Business Soul Sessions Class" is going to bring up every fear of success that you have ever had.

I woke up this morning to a dream about an unhealthy pattern that has been repeated in the endings of my relationships with men. There was the pattern of being left to see more than one other woman and the pattern of going back to an old girlfriend. I was distraught,  but I had to go hang art at a cafe.  I was on the verge of tears and customers of the cafe kept coming up to me and asking if I was the artist and saying they loved my work. I even made a sell before I got the art on the wall!  Oddly enough I wasn't feeling wonderful or talented. My core thought was:

"This doesn't feel right. This is not who I am,  I was supposed to be a housewife, a mother, a caretaker and that is who I wanted to be. I was forced into this world of trying to make a living. All I ever wanted was to be the support for my family!"

WOW! That thought had been burning a hole in my subconscious for 30 years! I am still mad that my ex-husband had affairs, did drugs and I had to divorce him and then got blamed when I left him. Now, I just broke up with Tony, hoping he would make some positive changes, instead he started seeing two women. Both from his past. It was all I could do to maintain my composer to get the art on the wall and run to the car and start crying.

Today in my online art business class I am supposed to be thinking about the "who" of my business. If you are paying close enough attention all the answers will appear and sometimes it really hurts to find out you have been surrounding yourself with all the wrong who's. I had a conversation with Tony while I was in the car and realized that he is only playing his part of teaching me that very hard lesson. I asked for the lesson, I got it. He was merely playing his part.

I went to therapy this evening. I told my therapist about the unhealthy pattern. I normally don't share my realization that come in therapy but I think this is so important and deep that everyone needs to know.  My therapist asked how the repeated pattern made me feel. Of course she did, that is what therapists do! I said "It makes me feel that I am not enough. Men leave me for other women. Sometime they leave me for more than one other women because I am not enough." Her reply was "I am going to say something that is going to push some buttons, you aren't going to want to hear it but here it is. Have you ever thought that maybe THEY aren't enough. You were talking about being the caretaker and trying to nurture them to be better, to raise their frequency to match yours. Look back on these relationships. They were able to keep up for a while, but it is hard work. They left to go back into old habits that are easy."

Talk about a LIGHT BULB MOMENT! 

This is huge. Really huge. On my way home from therapy I was seeing those ending of relationships in a whole new light. I really feel that something very deep has been shaken loose today and new doors are going to open.

I Went Out On A Limb, The Limb Broke Now I am Learning to Fly

I started three e-courses this month and have fallen so far behind.  There was a trip to St Louis, two days in the hospital for food poisoning and then ... the heartbreak of betrayal.

I started "The Business Soul Sessions" on Monday and on Tuesday experienced a huge personal set back. I would say the biggest betrayal of my life but I realized that it seems to be a pattern for me and pray that this time I am learning the lesson. Have you ever noticed that you create obstacles because of the fear of moving forward? I spent the whole week physically and emotionally unable to complete the tasks of the any of my courses. I read the lessons, pondered it and none of the positive thoughts that are normally readily available were there. I thought "What horrible timing for my life to come crashing down around me."

This morning I woke up with a new prospective. It wasn't bad timing at all. This is a very important lesson. A very deep and emotional lesson so I can build a successful business. The lesson was about surrounding myself with a positive, supportive team.  I haven't had that.

I had been in an unhealthy relationship for 4 years. Tony is a very talented musician yet a very broken man. Because of his boyish charm, he attracts caretakers, like myself. For some reason about half of these women are named Suzanne. Well this particular Suzanne showed up on the scene about 3 years ago. It is always obvious when Tony is going through a rough time, like when his mother died, 3 or 4 maternal women show up and want to take him home and take care of him. Long story short this particular Suzanne seemed sincere in apologizing for overstepping her bounds and I thought she and I had become friends. About a year went by, she and I chatted on facebook often. Last year she asked if I wanted to going into business with her. Her idea was to create a line of greeting cards specific to people with illnesses with angels on them. After meeting in person, several phone calls and a million emails, she decided she had nothing to bring to the table. She realized that she wasn't an artist and couldn't draw an angel. Then she told me I could run with "her"idea. I already had my own line of greeting cards since 1990, I already knew how to draw an angel and I didn't really need her input but I thought it was a nice gesture.  Months went by, again she showed up at one of Tony's gigs looking very surprised when I walked in during the second set. It was obvious that they had communicated. I intuitively felt that familiar feeling that there was an ulterior motive and she wasn't there just to hear the music. Another short period of time went by, I sent her an invitation to my art show in October. No reply, however, I had a dream about her the morning of the art show. In the dream she was trying to push me out of Tony's life. There were black birds and breaking glass and I woke up scared, shaken and crying. It would be the last time I slept at Tony's house. Oddly enough, shortly after that my niece's band had a CD released and with a song that described the dream. "Black Bird" I told him of the dream and asked if they had been in contact and he said "Only by email." I emailed her and told her to stay out of my life, then read the emailed to him. He replied "Well, now she isn't going to come to your art show tonight." I knew then I was fighting a losing battle and if it weren't this Suzanne, it would be another Suzanne.  Long story short, instead of just putting out the warning to her, I broke up with Tony. He had told me a million times that he was a better person because of me and I thought the the threat of losing me for ever would push him into taking a long hard look at himself. I was wrong. Three weeks later he and Suzanne were dating. Of course, I had no idea, I was busy at home, creating art. Every time a negative thought enter my mind, I would turn on Oprah's OWN. I would affirm things like "Love Doesn't Hurt. Love Is Kind." I would repeat affirmations by Iyanla Van Zandt. I joined the gym. I was really feeling great about myself and my art business. My sales on Etsy had taken off.

I didn't see Tony for about 6 weeks. I was getting reports that he was out and about alone and drinking a lot. Then the holiday season brought parties and art shows. Tony started showing up and hanging out like a lost puppy. I allowed him back in, but this time I was determined follow the instructions of my therapist to take it slow and just monitor his behavior being extremely careful to maintain strong boundaries. He came to my family Christmas party, gave me a nice gift and seemed to be on the same page. Then sure enough, last week after a solid week of daily open communication, he disappeared for the weekend. I asked him on Monday if he was seeing someone. I was expecting a "Yes" or a "No." I was expecting "Sure I have dated around but it was nothing." I was prepared for that. Instead I got the most egocentric, mean answer BY EMAIL you could imagine. "Yes, I have been seeing Suzanne since a three weeks after you broke up with me and I started seeing Leah when you were in St Louis, visiting your kids. What else do you want to know?" I was floored. Talk about needing to get the last word in. Leah is an ex-girlfriend who he had a VERY dysfunctional relationship with. So while I was taking great strides flying into a more positive life, he was moving backward into his unhealthy habits. He even emailed me about a dream with detailed symbolism of his fears of being stuck in old habits while everyone else was evolving and moving forward. That was the last conversation we had before the sh*t hit the fan. I was angry and hurt yet at the same time sad for him that he had continued to make bad choices.

Needless to say, it has been a hard week. Fortunately, I have tapped into a wonderful group of creative souls in this summer's "Flying Lessons" who have become such a huge part of my personal growth. There are no words for the gratitude that I feel. None of us knew that we were going to be a part of this revolution. I feel that my frequency has been turned up and there is no turning back.

I spent 3 years nurturing Tony's music business. I never missed a gig. The promotions on his music business were one step in front of all his friends. I designed his website, all his concert posters, demo CDs, I put his music on itunes, created a facebook page and kept it up and running.  And he still questioned my ability and never saw the power behind having me on his team. Always asking why I didn't do it like someone else. I explained that I am a graphic designer with 20 years of experience. Tony finally let it be known that giving him that much attention made him feel obligated. I spent this past year backing off and putting more energy into my art. Last week he mentioned that he only has one gig all month and he still doesn't get that being a successful musician required more than having a technically good band. Every successful business (band)  has a heart and soul that needs to be nurtured along with all the people involved.

So the disappointment that I experienced this week was actually not a disappointment at all but a divine appointment to teach me what I needed to know before I started week two of my e-course. I didn't get a late start at all, I am right on target and ready to FLY!

"Just before you break through the sound barrier is when the cockpit shakes the most." 

~ Chuck Yeager, the pilot who was the first broke the sound barrier

Dreaming of Blue Skies

In October, I wasn't looking forward to a cold winter alone. I had just broken up with Tony again but this time I spent every minute of every day making healthier choices in my life. I decided to start my new year taking 3 e-courses to get me through the cold and lonely winter. In the month of December I took a giant step backwards and allowed him back into my life. It felt really nice to have him around again, I wouldn't have to spend Christmas feeling that lonely feeling and he seemed like he was making progress. Come to find out he had made no progress and If I tried to explain the betrayal, it would sound like a Jerry Springfield show so I won't even go there. 

So here it is, January 21 and I am recouping from the fall.

I woke up yesterday morning and opened my Etsy store and noticed I was in this treasury. "Dreaming of Blue Skies" It couldn't have come at a better time.

In October I thought I had learned a very important lesson from a cat. I drew a line in the sand, not allowing the very distructive stray back into my house. She lived in my house for 5 months and then she ran off and stayed gone for 6 weeks. At the same time Tony and I had broken up and I knew that the cat was only here to teach me that there was no amount of love that can change the spots on a leopard. I get caught up in my need to encourage, to educate, to enliven, to help others evolve. I do it at my own expense and I end up hurt. There was a light that I saw in the stray cat and the other stray cat, Tony. That light gave me hope that the they too were paying attention and learning. I wanted to be a part of there growth. Tony used to tell me he was a better person because of me. Really? Then why didn't I ever see a change? Because he is a stray cat. The cat now hangs out at my back door, waiting to be fed and even though she knows I am the one who feeds her, she still runs from me. The same goes for Tony. He knows I feed him spiritually yet he pushes me away. I have once again come to realize that every time I allow him back into my life, I get the same result and it is never going to change. We hang out and have a good time but before long, he leaves tire tracks on my back. The ending is always the same.

Lesson learned, I pray. I am still growing as a spiritual human being, still evolving and discovering the wonders within myself. I still have the desire to love and be loved deeply. I have the desire to have and to be an excellent partner, friend and lover for life. I want to be open to all that love can teach me. I want to live life to its fullest. So far I feel like I am a lifelong student of learning and I may not accomplish all that is on my list in this lifetime. All I can say for now is I am taking in no more stray cats.

She Believes She Deserves To Live Her Dream

Shortly before Christmas a lady walked into Mercedes Flowers on South 1st Street and saw one of my mixed media Luna Chick pieces hanging on the wall and decided that she just couldn't live without it. She called me and asked if I would be interested in trading for a hair color and a cut. Excellent idea! I went and got my hair colored and cut yesterday and I LOVED the experience! Aimee, who works at The Cutting Room isn't your typical stylist. the vibration of hair. She brought up something I had never even considered while cutting my hair. She asked what was happening in my life a year ago because that is the energy she was cutting off in the bottom 2 or 3 inches of hair. Oh, nothing much.  My son was in rehab and I was going through about the 15th break up with Tony and my sister and I weren't speaking. Turmoil that I wouldn't wish on anyone. Now I know why when women go through a big breakup they always go get a new hair-do. Subconsciously, we know how to take care of ourselves. We talked about quantum physics. We talked about the vibrational power of words. She wanted my mixed media piece because it spoke to her and it actually made her cry. The words are powerful, as is the expression on the girl's face especially to those of us who have been through a time when we didn't feel worthy. She wanted her two young daughters to read the words every day in their bedroom. She can't even talk about the piece without crying because it brings up so much emotion.

 "She Believes She Deserves To Live Her Dream."

Aimee also arranged for me to show my art at the restaurant he husband manages, Thundercloud Sub on South Lamar and Manchaca. I am moved that my art touches so many people. The other night Rick McRae, a musician that my brother used to play with in George Straits "Ace In The Hole" band told Phillip that he loved my art. I didn't know that he even knew I was alive. How cool is that? I have to remember these things. In living my dream, I bless others. My art isn't just for me. It touches so many people. It is a gift to cherish and honor.

Now I have to go create some more art..... Isn't life grand?

It's God's Job

Yesterday I had a huge disappointment. A betrayal by not just one, but two people. Today, I acknowledge and accept that I cannot fix anyone or anything. It's God's job. One of the best quotes I have ever heard about disappointment was:

"Disappointment is when something I expected didn't happen, or something I didn't expect did, and it's a 'dis-appointment'. I had an appointment but I 'dis-understood' it. I didn't get what the appointment was really about. So the disappointments of life are simply the hidden appointments of love from God."

I knew this yesterday but was too angry at the situation to realize that every disappointment is really a hidden appointment with a higher order of understanding for me.

Guess it is time to work on some forgiveness.... maybe tomorrow.

Brothers and Sisters are the best, aren't they?

This weekend Sarah (my step-daughter) celebrated her 40th birthday! She had been living in NYC since going to Fordham University right out of high school until this year. She moved back to Austin, while continuing her job as an events planner for a NYC based company.

She had a 3 day party with lots of out of town guests including Christian, Carrie and Andrew, who drove in from St Louis. One of my favorite moments was watching Christian surprise Sarah with a huge painting that he had been painting for her for days! It was so sweet to watch this 6 ft guy try to walk nonchalantly into the "Tap Room" private party room with this massive, colorful canvas. The photo below shows how he timidly showed it to her and you can see her surprise. If the feeling in that moment could be bottled, we could cure the world of hatred and fear. Brothers and sisters are the best, aren't they?

Love ♥¨¯`* ♥ Love ♥¨¯`* ♥ Love

It is that time of year ... Time to start thinking about Valentine's Day! I have lots of Valentine cards in my Etsy shop so I end up in lots of really sweet Valentine treasuries during January and February. It is fun to see the treasuries people come up with so I am going to list them here as they are created. I am also posting some of the art.

Click Here For Valentine Treasury #1.

Click Here For Valentine Treasury # 2. 

Click Here For Valentine Treasury # 3. 

Click Here For Valentine Treasury # 4.
By the way, I just got back from St Louis and met a friend of my daughter-in-law's and she too is in this treasury. What are the chances of that happening?

Click Here For Valentine Treasury # 5.

Click Here For Valentine Treasury #6.

Click Here For Valentine Treasury # 7. 

Click Here For Valentine Treasury #8. 

Click Here For Valentine Treasury #9.

Click Here For Valentine Treasury #10

Click Here For Valentine Treasurty #11 

Click Here For Valentine Treasury #12 

Click Here For Valentine Treasury #13
Click Here For Valentine Treasury #14
Click Here For Valentine Treasury #15

My Word For 2012 ~ Prosperity

Last year I started a journey of intense creativity.... I use the term "intense creativity" because I have made a living at being creative most of my life but in this past year the fire was turned up in my personal life. There were many extreme changes and the only way I got through it all was to channel all of that energy into art. What I found was that I had been channeling most of my creative energy towards other people's dreams most of my life and very little towards my own dreams. I came to the realization that to really prosper I would have to focus on myself. Now, I am starting a new year, learning to channel my intense creativity into prosperity.

With that being said.... Prosperity is relative. I know people with lots of money that I would not consider to be prosperous. To some, prosperity may mean being able to buy groceries to others it would mean a trip to Paris.  To me true prosperity means not only living in abundance but also being able to live my life the way I want to live without having to compromise my beliefs.

I have an alter in my living room where I light a candle every morning and say a prayer and commit to my dreams. On the alter is my treasure box where I have all my wishes, dreams and prayers written on little pieces of paper. Sometimes those words become art. Prosperity to me would mean that all those dreams, prayers and wishes would come true.

Here's to a full year of prosperity, abundance and fulfilled dreams, prayers and wishes!

30 Days Of Gratitude Day 14

I grateful that my son is an artist!

30 Days Of Gratitude Day 13 Ha! It has turned into 2 months

I am grateful for a wonderful holiday in St Louis with my son and his beautiful family!