The the subconscious mind sometimes used dreams to process complex emotions and daily experiences in symbolic form. Often I wake up from dreams tired and emotionally drained. Yesterday, I didn't feel well. I have a genetic heart condition so sometimes I get extremely tired for no apparent reason. I was tired all day, the political news for the past 6 weeks has been draining, so my last thought before I went to sleep was that I wanted to have a restful night without having one of my crazy dreams that sometimes leave me feeling wiped out in the morning. Great news! I woke up this morning after having a dream about Willie Nelson. We were in the recording studio laughing so hard at the song he was recording. I was literally laughing out loud when I woke up. It was like a combination of being with Willie at the Pedernales Recording Studio in Spicewood in the 80's when I worked there and being on the movie set with Timothée Chalamet filming the Bob Dylan movie "A Complete Unknown." I was totally in my element and Willie's song had several layers of messages just like the Kendrick Lamar half time show at the Super Bowl.
The music executives were at the recording studio with their suits on, looking down on the the rest of us at the studio who were dressed very casual. The recording engineer said take 2 and Willie went totally off the rails and started singing the song "You Can Write Your Own Songs." Everyone except the record executives were cracking up laughing. It was with the same playfulness that Timothée had in the scene in "A Complete Unknown" when he started the song "Highway 61 Revisited" with a siren whistle.
So my subconscious mind just threw together all the thoughts I had been having of the Kendrick Lamar's awesome multi-layerd protest half time show, Timothée Chalamet's amazing performancein "A Complete Unknown," and the horrible meeting that President Zelenskyy had in the Oval Office when he was asked why he wasn't wearing a suit to the White House. My mind came up with Willie singing "You Can Write Your Own Songs" in the studio to the jerks who didn't like the way he was dressed.
This song was released in 1982. I had a 4 year old daughter and a 2 year old son and was getting divorced. The fact that this particular song would pop up in my subconscious is nothing short of a miracle. Thank you again Willie, for always being there with just the right words of wisdom. You never cease to amaze me.
You call us heathens with zero respect for the law We are only songwriters just writing our songs and that's all We write what we live and we live what we write is that wrong If you think it is Mr. Music Executive Why don't you write your own songs
And don't listen to mine, they might run you crazy They might make you dwell on your feelings a moment too long We're making you rich and you're already lazy So just lay on your ass and get richer or write your own songs
Mr. Purified Country don't you know what the whole things about Is your head up your ass so far that you can't pull it out The world's getting smaller and everyone in it belongs And if you can't see that Mr. Purified Country Why don't you just write your own songs
And don't listen to mine, they might run you crazy They might make you dwell on your feelings a moment too long We're making you rich and you're already lazy So just lay on your ass and get richer or write your own songs So just lay on your ass and get richer or write your own songs
The other day I picked up my phone to call my brother, Phillip,
however my phone rang and it was him. We have one of those
relationships... we can go weeks without talking
and pick up right where we left off. Those of you that really know us
(like his wife, Deborah) are amused that we go into a zone of speaking
in the "Phippo- CiCi language." If we are left alone for any amount of
time we always end up speaking
in the realm of spirituality and science. One minute we are talking
about the Bible and the next minute we are talking about the effect
words have on water molecules.
On this particular day I
was saddened by the imbalance of mankind. Whether it be due to those who
take advantage of kindhearted trusting people or the disenfranchised.
Or the parents who neglect the responsibility of financial or moral
support to their children, with not a thought of the lifelong effect it has on not only their children but their children's children. When I was younger I was positive that karma would catch up
with these people. I also believed that if one lived a good life, good
things would happen. But as I have gotten older I realized sometimes
that just doesn't happen in this lifetime. There comes a time when one
has to come to terms with the fact that sometimes life just isn't fair
and it has been that way throughout the ages.
The Native
Americans had their country taken, black people became slaves. Bankers
continue to take people's homes, crooked investors take innocent
client's life savings, greedy landlords raise rents unfairly, fathers
don't pay child support forcing mothers and children to live in poverty
and I don't even want to talk about how I feel about drug dealers. Then
there are people who are simply unjustly judged simply due to their
color or creed.
In Phillip's soothing calm tone he simply
said to me "Vengeance is not ours." It was as if I had heard those
words for the first time. In my mind's eye, I saw the face of Martin
Luther King who fought for his rights and more importantly for the
rights of others, fully knowing in his heart that he would never, in his
lifetime, experience the wonderment of seeing someone that he fought
for become the President of the United States. I got it. Vengeance is
not ours. Faith is ours. Faith that one must hold close to our hearts
while trusting our path.
I had lost faith on my life path. Over the next few days I started to
feel that all the work I had been doing on myself had
brought all of these changes on, sort of as the ultimate life test. But I felt that I had failed the test because when I left Austin November 5,
what I was feeling was scared, alone, confused and betrayed due to an
accumulation of life's events. The final straw was the landlord from
hell. I had no idea the effect this man would
have on my life. Two years ago I felt like I was on top of the world, I
made a verbal agreement with him. He had a duplex right smack dab
where I wanted to live in Central South Austin. I was excited to make
my home and studio in 78704. I spent thousands of my own hard earned money to remodel his duplex. I carelessly signed a 15 page, 2 year lease without reading the contents because we had a verbal agreement that I would be there much
longer and possibly buy it later. Then reality hit. He wasn't a nice
man and he lived next door. I planned my days around when he was home as
to not have a confrontation with him, as did everyone else in the cul-de-sac. As soon as my lease was up he
refused to renew it, knowing that with all the expensive artistic
improvements, he would be able to rent it for much more than I was
paying.
I haven't written much on my blog since June
because I was devastated on so many levels. The contents of my home but
more importantly, my studio went into storage. Since then I felt sort of
paralyzed, afraid that if I said or wrote anything it would just give
what I was feeling power or I would be judged as a failure, or even
worse, it would sound like I was complaining or blaming when in reality I
have just been trying to make sense of it all.
As
many of you know I moved to St Louis to live with my son, his wife and
my 5 yr old grandson for a while. Then the other night my son Christian
voiced his concern. I had always been the light house in his life, the
force of positive energy that he could depend on. My light has not been
shining. As I lie curled up on the couch under a blanket, I was forced
to put into words what I was feeling. All I could come up with was I felt like I had been knocked down so many times that I was having a
hard time getting up. Feeling the need to just take a break from life, I
stopped all my rituals of lighting a candles, praying and meditating. I
stopped wishing on the first star in the sky at night, afraid to ask
for anything because it felt as if everything I touched crumbled.
It didn't make sense. I had
taken two art business classes from Kelly Rae Roberts, I was
serious about taking my art business to the next level. I spent 2 years
working day and night on myself and my art. I was doing art shows, selling art on Etsy, only to have it crumble when I lost my studio. Not only did I feel betrayed, but all of the betrayals of my life that I had not
dealt with came to the surface. Sort of like the stories I hear about
near death experiences, I had flashes of scenes in my life showing me how I
could have handled situations in another manner as to not have been taken advantage of.
Through
it all, those who believe in me, are still here. They took me in,
helped me move and then move again and again, they took in my cat and my
plants and gave me hope. They call me, email me and text me to make sure I am okay. I have realized that my achilles' heel is my
home. Well, of course it is, I am a Taurus - Earth mother, homemaker. I have been devastated so many times due to the loss of my home and every time, it makes no sense. I now know that it is my
life lesson and every time it happens I become less and less attached to material things. I have had this conversation with Phillip and gone so far as to relate it back to our Sephardic Jewish heritage.... but I am not going there, that is a whole other chapter in my blog.
Times are hard, not just for me but for everyone. Everyone
is being faced with an acceleration of energy and now is the time to examine life long issues and make adjustments. We're in transition and in just a couple of
days we will reach the point of
alignment. On
the
Winter Solstice-Dec. 21, 2012, we're completing a 26,000 year cycle. This is huge. Our planet
will align with the Great Central Sun, and the galactic center.
Transmissions of unconditional, pure love will flow forth. Each of
us will receive only to the extent we are capable of receiving. A perfect way to participate is to just let our
identities soften and be fluid. Allow yourself to receive all the
experiences, the love, the support you need to reflect and be present to this change. It is as much a beginning as it is an end. Trust
your path. Do not compare yourself to anyone, just be you. Let yourself go at your pace-- just being you. Perfect and beautiful.
Just getting home from a night out on the town with my friends Winker, Danny, René, Stuart, Hilary, Joy, Calvin and others. We went to Jax's and then to "The Mean Eyed Cat." It was a fun night of taking funny photos and even funnier jokes. Unfortunately, none of the good photos were with my camera. A great ending to a much less stressful Memorial Day weekend than last year.
Where do I start with the craziness of last year? I rented a van to take Tony and his band to Ruidoso, New Mexico to play at the Bottle House Cabins. That in itself was fun. I knew the owners, my brother, Phillip had performed their wedding years earlier. As I stepped out of my house, locking the door it dawned on me that leaving Christian, his friend Stefan and Tony's cat, George, at my house was a less than desirable decision and with that thought, I slipped off of the front door step and fell on my shoulder. I just
recently stopped physical therapy for the injury. I had a migraine all
the way to New Mexico. Thank God for Steve who took care of me
and drove simultaneously. By the time we got to Lincoln County, I was
feeling better and enjoyed the whole Billy the Kid experience that Steve, Will and I had been
looking forward to. I also loved listening to the wind blowing down the mountain, through the trees every evening. Probably my biggest feat of the trip was having the guys get in touch with their feminine side in the hot tub by telling each other one thing they loved about each other. What I didn't know was that back home, Christian was having a 5 day party at my house and after George sprayed all over my new bed and every rug in the house, he disappeared for about two weeks only to be found coming out of the closet to eat at night. My cat still gets nervous when she sees me leaving.
My Peace Rose Bush In Full Bloom!
In great contrast, this Memorial Day weekend was peaceful. I painted, worked in my garden and watched "In Love And War" It's a true story set in WWI. Ernest Hemingway
fell in love with a nurse named Agnes. She later sent him a
"Dear John Letter." In his unforgiveness, he used her as the basis for several characters in
his novels, not always flattering to her. There are a couple of morals to this story.
Don't break the heart of a writer, they will write about you and .... here is the important moral.... forgiveness is essential. Hemingway never forgave Agnes. He married 4 times and then committed suicide.
Mom & Dad's grave, Llano Cemetery, Amarillo
This time of year is always bitter sweet. May starts out great with my birthday on May 12, celebrating with all my other Taurus girlfriends, we have lots of parties, cards, cakes and presents. Then Gilbert's birthday is May 21.... but then comes May 26, my dad's birthday, May 27 my nephew Jeran passed away and just 3 short years before that
on May 28 is Jeran's birthday. Then Memorial Day falls in there somewhere and then May 31 is my mom's birthday.
Felipe Montoya Fajardo WWII, Normandy, France
I spent more time this Memorial Day thinking about the memory of our war heros. My dad used to take me to the cemetery, wearing his American Legion hat but he never explained to me why we were there. Now I know. I honor him way more now than I did when I was 12.
I have always said that there is a Willie song for every event in my life. This time I have a Pearl Jam song that is on Willie's new CD "Heros" perfect for what I am feeling today. "Lucky to count on both hands, the ones I love." Watch this video, it will make you cry, in a good way! -->Just Breathe<--
Just Breathe
Yes, I understand that every life must end
uh-huh
As we sit alone, I know someday we must go
uh-huh
Oh I'm a lucky man,
to count on both hands the ones I love
Some folks just have one, yeah, others, they've got none
uh-huh
Stay with me...
Let's just breathe...
Practiced all my sins, never gonna let me win
uh-huh
Under everything, just another human being
uh-huh
I don't wanna hurt, there's so much in this world
to make me bleed
Stay with me
You're all I see...
Did I say that I need you?
Did I say that I want you?
Oh, if I didn't I'm a fool you see
No one knows this more than me
As I come clean...
I wonder everyday, as I look upon your face
uh-huh
Everything you gave
And nothing you would take
uh-huh
Nothing you would take
Everything you gave...
Did I say that I need you?
Oh, did I say that I want you?
Oh, if I didn't I'm a fool you see
No one knows this more than me
And I come clean, ah...
Nothing you would take
Everything you gave
Love you til I die
Meet you on the other side...
I always look forward to May. My flowers are in full bloom, my birthday and Mother's Day are a double whammy of phone calls from children, grandchildren and siblings singing happy birthday and phone calls and e-cards from those who consider me their mother (don't ask me why I have children all over the world) I love all my friends and family for always reminding me that I am always and forever surrounded by love.
I am pretty sure the party at Jax's last night was the last of the flurry of Taurus birthday parties, birthday cards, presents and chocolate cake and I promise not to do it again.... until next year. I didn't even eat cake last night because I had a sugar hang over from the night before.
May 5 Party at Jenna's - Liberty Hill Mary, Christina, Beth, Jenna and Sarah. This was actually Jimmie Dale Gilmore's party but it was a Taurus party none the less.
May 11 Trip to Fredericksburg with Kate, Kate's Aunt Michael, Rene and Carole
May 12 Birthday Girls Christina, Cash and Sherry Celebrating at Z Tejas
Sarah and Christina's Birthday Party at Sarah's on Mother's Day, May 13
Van with two birthday girls Christina and Kate
One of my very favorite birthday presents was from Dean, my friend, Martha's 12 year old son. He drew a portrait of me by candle light on the back porch at the ranch. As synchronicity works, Lana called right when he finished the drawing to wish me a happy birthday from New Jersey, so I sent her the brilliant drawing by her grandson, by text. Technology is a wonderful thing!
It has been a week to remember!
Friday, April 20 (4/20) at 4:20 was the unveiling of Willie Nelson's statue in front of the the Austin City
Limits, Moody Theater on Willie Nelson Blvd! I read that there was a crowd of about 2,000 but in my mind, I was amongst small group of friends and family as Willie helped unveil the statue honoring him. For those of you who have been living under a rock, 420 has long been reserved to celebrate smoking pot. Organizers said they didn't intentionally choose April 20 for the event,
but once they found out, they scheduled the unveiling at 4:20 p.m. as a
tongue-in-cheek reference to Willie's advocacy for the legalization of pot.
The statue was created by Philadelphia sculptor, Clete Shields who said the leaning pose and heroic
scale are intended to show Nelson's openness and whimsical side while
honoring his tremendous influence on music and the city. He said "We wanted to get a timeless Willie, an ageless Willie."
Friday was very surreal. To the world Willie is a 10-time Grammy Award winner who
has sold more than 40 million copies of his 150 albums. The heartfelt congratulations from Kris Kristofferson expressed more of what Willie is to me and brought tears to
my eyes. He said how proud he was of his friend and he couldn't have imagined
the city honoring Willie during the early days of what became known as
the Cosmic Cowboy
movement in music. That is a time that
so many of us hold close to our hearts. I was 18 and Willie's daughter, Lana was 20 when we
became roommates. That year (1974) we
drove Lana's Ford station wagon with our other roommate Mary, following Willie on his California
tour. We thought he might need our support on the west coast only to find the crowds as large as they were in Texas. We celebrated Lana's 21st birthday at the famous Italian restaurant, Vanessi's in San Francisco with my sister, Nita who was living in Marin County, and the entire Willie Nelson band.
From the first time I saw Willie perform, I was always amazed at how he would make contact with everyone in the crowd starting with the front row. You could just feel the energy move all the way to the back of the crowd. To the drunkest in the crowd he would sing "Whiskey River" and end the show with "Will the Circle Be Unbroken." Everyone would leave feeling like we had just gone to church. In the 80s, during the first year of Farm-Aid, Willie's secretary Jody Fischer, hired me to help with the overwhelming response from farmers and supporters at the recording studio.
Nita, Bianca, Cayce, Martha, Christina and Mario
Christina, Carole, Kate and Nita
Before the unveiling, a small group of friends and family met at Lambert's, a block away so we could walk together to the big event. My favorite conversation of the day ....
Lana says to me, as we are
walking on Willie Nelson Blvd in front of a store filled with Willie
Nelson T-Shirts, towards the unveiling of the Willie Nelson statue...
"So tell me something exciting going on in your life. " I said "Not
much, just doing art, painting. And you?" Lana says "Not much. Just
going to see an statue of my dad."
We stopped in on the way and Lana bought Willie T-Shirts for some of the kids.
Dean and Mario
Then there was Lana's son Bryan who wore his own awesome T-Shirt that Willie and Annie had given him. It just seemed appropriate to wear to the unveiling of his grandfather's statue.
So here we are in 2012, our kids are grown and have their own kids.
Willie was an inspiration to my parents who were older than him, my generation's inspiration, our hero and became our kid's hero
and now our grandkids. Earlier this week Willie had played in St Louis and Christian and Carrie took my grandson, Andrew to his first Willie concert. Last night was another wonderful opening night with Willie at "The Backyard." I had the privilege of going with Nita and my great niece, Bianca to her first Willie concert. She was beyond excited and so in tuned with what Willie is about. It was awesome hanging with her. Then Nita took her on stage to get a better look at Willie.
Martha and avoided the stage rush and went to the green room where she found "On the Road" by Jack Kerouac.
Finally! A statue of Willie in downtown Austin!
It is a glorious day!
Talk about Six degrees of separation, I feel like I am experiencing one degree today!
Last week I had lunch with my friend Christine Albert, she was going to spend the next couple of days shopping for four outfits to wear to the Grammy's and Grammy parties. How fun is that? I am guessing a lot of fun but a well deserved four nights of fun. Christine works hard all year as a board member of the Grammy's. She is often on conference calls or flying to LA between gigs with her husband, Chris Gage in their band Albert and Gage <----- go here and listen to their music, they will blow your socks off. I was telling my artist friends at dinner the other night that I feel a little cheated that musicians get to hang out together all the time at their gigs, after the gigs, at award shows and we on the other had spend a lot of alone time in the studio only to get positive feed back at an occasional art show. I had to take my sister to a restaurant yesterday to sit and observe the reactions of customers to my art exhibit. Sad. LOL
So Christine and Chris were having a great time Facebooking updates from a party honoring Paul McCartney the other night such things as "We are standing 20 ft. from Paul McCartney." "Neil Young and David Crosby are at the next table." I came unglued when they said James Taylor was there.
Me? I was alone in my studio painting a commissioned "Red Guitar" painting, trying not to get paint on my laptop reading their updates. I'm not complaining, I'm just sayin'.
Then yesterday night 4, they went to the Clive Davis party. They heard Tony Bennett, Ray Davies, Jackson Brown, Alicia Keyes, Miranda
Lambert and more. In the audience, Joni Mitchell,
Tom Hanks, Jane Fonda, Elvis Costello and more. Then they started posting updates of the winners. We were all hoping that the locals like Chris and Marcia Ball would win. I was still working on my guitar painting, watching the Grammy's and talking to Martha on the phone so I didn't even see this awesome commercial that aired. Silly me, I didn't even think to ask Martha if her grandfather, Willie Nelson would be on the Grammy's and totally missed one of the best parts. Willie singing the "ColdPlay" song "Back to Start. Watch this it is sooooo awesome! Back to the Start.
I heard through the grapevine this afternoon (from Willie) that "The Scientist" the song in the video, i
is THE NUMBER ONE SONG TODAY! Here is a review earlier this morning! Only Willie could steal the show and not even be at the Grammy's! I love you Willie!
There was also a little plug for Musicares at the end of the Grammy's.
Read more about Musicares. They help musicians in times of need. http://www.grammy.org/musicares
It is a small world isn't it? Martha was saying the other day that she saw a strange man (strange as in he didn't look like he was from around here) walking his dog on her property out southwest of town, and then found out that Sandra Bullock's ex husband, Jesse James lives across the creek. There is that ONE degree of separation again....
I feel so incredibly fortunate when I am hanging out with my grandsons and working in my studio. This week is going to be a busy one preparing for the "Dia de los Muertos" show on Saturday. Fortunately, Dylan spent the weekend with me this past week and helped me get some of my polymer clay pieces made. He is a worker. He always does his best and never complains. When I grow up I want to marry someone just like my grandson! LOL. Seriously, there is always a sense of peace and fulfillment when I am just hanging out with Dylan. I am hoping that when I am long gone that he will be able to share great memories with his children and grandchildren of the days we spent in my studio, in my garden and in the kitchen creating. It warms my heart to know that he feels the same about me. He has lived 40 miles away since he was in the second grade so most of our conversations are on the phone but it seems that when I do go pick him up in New Braunfels, as soon as he throws his backpack in the back seat and jumps in the car, he has profound questions that he appears to save up between visits. I used to think "How cool is that that he saves them for me?" Now I realize he is just that relaxed and cool all the time. At any rate, I am happy to do my part, I openly share all my tricks of the trade and knowledge from the school of hard knocks. I even email him info that I wish someone had shared with me as a teenager.
So there are those practical lessons that Steve Jobs shared and then
there are those lessons that you can only learn in your grandma's art
studio, kitchen and garden. And as much as I have taught my grandsons... they teach me so much more and I feel so blessed that they are my own personal little angels.
Here is my musician grandson, Andrew playing my bass when he was 2 years old. He is now 4 years old and awaiting a new brother or sister.... I am so blessed.
Here's the lyrics to a song by Willie Nelson that I would like to dedicate to my grandsons.
I've Loved YOU All Over the World
You're my buddy, my pal, my friend
It will be that way until the end
And wherever you go, I want you to know
You're my buddy, my pal, my friend
And I've loved you all over the world
You are my sunshine
You keep my life in a whirl
And you love me sometimes
I'll always follow my heart
Wherever it takes me
And until death do us part
I'll love you all over the world
I'll always follow my heart
Wherever it takes me
And until death do us part
I'll love you all over the world
