A Letter to My Daughter, Adriane On Her 36th Birthday

Happy birthday to my angel baby, Adriane Rose. I never could have imagined what our lives would become 36 years ago. When I hear myself tell the story now, it sounds like a fairy tale of a far away place, long, long ago. Reality.... now I live right down the road from where you were born, on the other end of FM1626. Life always seems to bring us full circle in one way or another.

September 3, 1977. It had been a hot day on "Summer Tree Farm," off of 1626 and Twin Creeks Road in Manchaca, Texas. Manchaca seemed like it was way out in the country at the time. The midwives pull up to the wrong farm house in the middle of the night and had a shot gun pulled on them. To top it off, I lost a lot of blood and was the last person in Travis County to have the EMS come to my house AFTER the delivery and NOT take me to the hospital. I don't know why your grandma was so upset that I didn't want to go to the hospital. Ha! Okay, looking back, your dad and I were die hard hippies who thought we were perfectly capable of having our baby at home the way it had been done for hundreds of years. Silly us and Thank God your Grandma was there! She had see her own sister die in a home birth when she was a teenager. I am guessing she was experiencing PSTD during my labor.

We lived in a little 2 bedroom house at the bottom of the hill on Summer Tree Farm. Your Uncle Phillip and Aunt Deborah lived in the big house at the top of the hill. Looking back, it was a great place to live. We had a cow named Betsy, a horse named Carmen, chickens, a garden and lots of parties and music.

Before your were 2 we bought a house in Austin on Robinsdale Lane. 

You had a room full of handmade dolls and toys.

Then your little brother, Christian was born when you were 2 years and 4 months old.

I am pretty sure you were the apple of your grandpa's eye. You used to go stay with your grandma and grandpa and he would let you sit in the front seat of the 1977 Malibu Classic that he gave you when you turned 16. 

Then it seems over night you became a teen-ager and the rest is history.

Fast forward to about a month ago. I got the email I had been patiently waiting for. Seriously! The email finally came! I love this email more than you can possibly know. I always wish mothers a happy birthday on the date of their children's birth because they are actually the ones who gave birth ... and truth be known, children don't experience that magnitude of love felt by a mother until they have a child of their own. So see.... you had no idea that this email is one of the BEST birthday presents I will ever receive.

Here it is, short and sweet:

I need to start meditating. I never thought that I would, but I need to try it. I go back to the ocean sound you used to play when we lived in California. As I get older, I realize I should listen to my mom. It will help. Not that I didn't listen before but I guess I rebelled. So I have come to a point in my life where I think I need to stop... and think. You have taught me great things and I need to act on them. I love you for who you are and what you have become. 

Love Adriane

I sincerely believe every mom would love to receive this message from their daughter. Thank you so very much for the acknowledgement. Happy Birthday to both of us! Remember what your Uncle Mike said on your facebook page today:

"You were the cutest and the sweetest little girl." 

That sweet little girl is still in there Adriane. She really is. Let her out and let her shine! I named you Rose because you looked like a beautiful little rose bud the minute you were born. I love you and I love the beautiful rose that you are becoming. Give it your all and be the best you can be. Don't let anyone or anything hold you back. That is the best gift you could give to me. Live your BEST life.

Love, Mom

Once in a Blue Moon

The moon turns full at 8:45 p.m. this evening. It's a blue moon, which just means that it is the second of two full moons this month. 

Just for fun you could listen to Christine Albert and Chris Gage sing "Full Moon NIght" while you read my blog! Click Here!

I subscribe to the belief that the full moon marks a time for cleansing and a time to let go of things of the past that are no longer working for us. So there ya go. The full moon happens at least once a month and therefore cleansing and letting go is a constant in our lives. I can handle that. Then there are the BIG changes and issues to clear up. I woke up this morning with a sort of a bitter sweet, heavy heart realizing that today is a day to push through my personal boundaries and breathe through one more opportunity for self improvement. Oh but wait.... It is August 20. 

Twelve years ago my father passed away August 20, 2001. I just looked at the clock and it is exactly this moment that he passed.  Five years ago my dear friend, Danny Roy Young passed away August 20, 2008. Both of them kind, friendly men. Neither of them knew a stranger. My dad's birthday was May 26 and Danny Roy's was May 29. I met people at my dad's funeral that said they never would have made it without his encouragement and help. He took care of every stray cat and fatherless child that he encountered. Everyone at Danny Roy's funeral raised their hand when asked by the preacher "Who thinks you were Danny Roy's best friend?" 

Click here for more photos of Danny Roy Young

My dad was a good one, that doesn't mean I don't have issues but I won't bore you with our family dynamics. As Oprah says "Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could've been any different." It is what it is. My point being is that tonight is a full moon and sometimes the power of a full moon night and some candles helps me to push through some old stuff that I have been holding onto. My father issues are at the top of my personal list. And man wouldn't Danny Roy be upset by what has happened on South Lamar. I keep reminding myself that change is good but really, why did they have to build condos on top of the Broken Spoke? That was the last place I danced with my dad to the music of Don Walser.

I have spent my day in my studio creating, mediating, painting and breathing through all the thoughts going through my head. Lots of letting go, forgiving. It's all good.....and speaking of BIG CHANGES,  today is my grandson's first day of first grade. Change is a wonderful thing. One day this little man will be going off to college and he will look back on this day as one big step forward in his life. I love my life and I am grateful for this full moon night.

Dylan's Summer Vacation in Dallas

My dear friend Danny Roy Young used to say that if he'd known being a grandfather was going to be so much fun, he would have done that first. I have to agree. My adorable 16 yr old grandson Dylan went to Dallas this week to hang out. The biggest draw was a ticket to go to the Ranger's game with Richard. It has been a blast. He took 30 photos at the game. I think he loved it!

It was a first time experiment with the MegaBus and there was definitely a learning curve observed by all. You have to purchase your tickets online because there is no bus station. In most cities there are tents set up on a street corner. In Dallas, the Dart Transfer Center on Olive Street downtown is used. If you purchase your ticket early, you can get it for as little as a dollar, full price is $25. The buses are nice, double decker with WiFi. Again, no bus stations so bring food and drinks with you and tag you luggage before you leave home. 

So the night after the Ranger's game, Kathy came by and we went to Torchy's Tacos and then for a late night ride around Dallas. She showed us all the buildings and places that meant something to her in her childhood as well as the new stuff in Dallas. What fun! 

Yesterday we spent the day at the Arboretum, walking around in the 102 degree heat.... it was lovely. Absolutely the most amazing gardens I have ever seen, however I think that maybe a stroll around the gardens in October might be a little more pleasant. We cooled down with a smoothie that was more like a slushy.... nice! 

It has been a fun summer vacation. We made lots of memories. We had Hypnotic Donuts, went to White Rock Lake, Dylan and Richard saw a Ranger's game, Dylan ate sushi twice, we made our obligatory trip to several athletic stores to find the perfect Ranger's jersey, we ate Torchy's Tacos, we drove around Dallas at night, we spent 3 hours walking around the Arboretum in the 104 degree weather looking at flowers, took a trip to the Army Store and a LONG Saturday afternoon drive by the location where "Gas Monkey" is filmed.... and fun was had by all making memories.

Daily Truths From The Brave Girls Club

 Daily Truths From The Brave Girls Club

Brave Girls Club - Daily Truths

In Honor of Women's History Month

Today, I am feeling blessed.... I opened an email from Terri Hendrix with a free download of the song below. I am feeling blessed because in so many social situations and work environments, I always take on the roll of someone's mother. What a blessing! So here is a song dedicated to all of you who have at one time or another called me mom or just thought of me as your mom. I love you all... especially my daughter, Adriane Rose.

Click link below then click black arrow to listen to the song. 

Terri Hendrix "If I Had A Daughter"

If I had a daughter
I'd tell her that the first breath of life is the easiest
From then on out it takes years of practice
'Cause if you know how to keep air in your lungs
Then you'll survive when fate tackles you
Rubs your face in the Astroturf
And grinds its cleats into your back

If I had a daughter
I'd tell her that it's better to be out there on the field of life
Takin' hits and makin' touchdowns
Than bitchin' about the game in the bleachers

If I had a daughter
I'd teach her how to face life and its peaks and valleys
With grit, modesty, hope, compassion, and love
I'd want her to accept herself
I'd want her to watch the stars instead of her weight
Love her body
Feed her soul
Dance with her curves
See those blue veins as a masterpiece
Howl at the moon instead of her hair
And to live inside out
                
If I had a daughter
I'd teach her to hold her head high
And strut through this world as a more than instead of a less than
She'd trust her voice
Speak her mind
And seek the truth
'Cause if it talks like a duck and walks like a duck
Then yes, it might be a skunk

If I had a daughter
She'd know that gay or straight
Pin-striped or polka-dotted
Tie-dyed or solid
Straight-laced or bent
She'd have my acceptance and blessing
In regards to whomever she gave her heart to
But I'd give her a compass
So if she was lost
She could find her way back to reality
And when her soul hit the low notes
Or some fool used her heart for a kick drum
I'd teach her how to turn it into song

If I had a daughter
I'd want her to be willing
To venture into the great unknown
But I'd make sure she had the blueprints
To build her own universe
If I had a daughter
I would carry her with me
In every breath of every moment
I'd wake with her name on my lips
I'd go to bed with her dreams in my heart
If I had a daughter

"If I Had a Daughter" (Terri Hendrix) from The Spiritual Kind 

Happiness Is A Choice

 

Last year at this time I was spending every Sunday watching the OWN network, alone. Nobody else that I knew personally was watching it. Now a few seem to be catching on, a Facebook friend the other day said "It is like going to church in your pajamas!" It is absolutely true. The other day Pastor Rick Warren, made an appearance on "Oprah's Lifeclass. "While promoting the 10th anniversary of his best-selling book, The Purpose Driven Life, Warren created an analogy between life and playing poker. Five "cards" represent the different aspects of a person's identity:

 You have no control the first four but the fifth card - CHOICES- trumps them all. The first four cards we are dealt are the things we don't have control over. We didn't choose where we was born, when we was born, we didn't choose our gender, our parents, our race, our natural abilities, our natural weaknesses, but a wise player can play what seems to be a weak hand and win the game with the fifth card with CHOICES they make in life. There are ways to take what you are given and make the most out of it. You are a product of your past, but you are not a prisoner of it.

Click Here for Video # 1

Click Here For Video # 2

The Road Goes On Forever and the Lessons Never End

 

The first time I read "Eat, Pray, Love" I felt that I got the meaning of the above paragraph. I understood it on a level that I could understand at the time. I had at the time, left behind everything familiar on more than one occasion. I expected that I was going to reach a level of understanding somewhere in mid-life and from that point on everything would be a piece of cake. Quit the contrary. I have found that the road goes on forever and the lessons never end. Lessons appear and reappear, therefore forgiveness is required over and over.

An interesting lesson occurred the other day on a massive scale. I am still wondering if something huge was going on in the Universe that was part of the aftermath of the December 21 shift. The last will and testament of 3 families, my parents, my sister-in-law's mother and an artist friend, had been an issue for our families. On the very same day, everyone seemed to have come to a quasi agreement, but not without drama. It was a crazy day, however,  even while responding to the drama,  I was able to stand back and see that it was all a part of the lesson. My sister is the executor of my parent's estate. My father passed away 12 yrs ago and my mother, 8 years ago. The estate has not been settled, so for 8 yrs my sister has been dealing out money as she sees fit without legally disclosing financial information. After a legal letter from my oldest brother, she decided it was time to relinquish her power over what little is left and apologized to him. It says so much about our family dynamics. I had asked for an accounting of the money 2 yrs ago and was ignored.

So after a whirlwind of communications and/or miscommunications, I fell asleep feeling content that there seemed to be a light at the end of the tunnel. I woke up the next morning from a prophetic dream, I heard a voice say "She's your Arch Nemesis. I felt like I had just gotten an important piece to the puzzle, then I had to solve the puzzle. I spent the day pondering Nemesis, the Greek Goddess who directed human affairs in such a way as to maintain equilibrium. Nemesis means "She who distributes." Happiness and unhappiness were measured out by her. Care being taken that happiness was not too frequent or too excessive. Is it a coincidence that my sister is also a Libra? Balance is important to her but extremely subjective. And her indecisiveness often leads her down a slippery slope to procrastination. In this case, an 8 year ride down an indecisive, slippy slope. So even though Libras like balance, they have difficulty making up their mind and they becomes downright unpleasant when questioned. 

 As for the term "Arch Nemesis," that would indicate someone that has been a constant in my life that has more or less equivalent powers, but has opposing ideologies. That makes total sense as well. My sister and I, seemingly equivalent, had different life goals, however, she always had an upper hand with our father as her ally. Needless to say, the lessons have been hard, dealing with family issues and finally after over 50 years of practice, I have learned to stand up for myself and my immediate family. Under stress, her need to control and balance everything becomes amplified. A perfect example: After my mother's death, the family caravaned to Amarillo to bury her. When I arrived at Mom's house, I was told that all the "married" couples would be sleeping on the double beds and all the other couples would get a blow up a mattress. Long story short, that would mean that her son would get a bed instead of me. I was the 50 yr. old daughter with a chronic, painful spinal disorder. Where was the sense behind her decision for her healthy son to have the bed? I stood up to her and was physically attacked. She certainly didn't waste any time letting us know who was the new matriarch of the family.

The moral to this story: We are all divine. I don't believe in soul mates, I believe in soul groups. We are placed with those that will teach us the lessons that we are here to learn and it is by design that we are traveling on this road together. It isn't always pleasant but I am learning to choose happiness over suffering and sometimes that just means taking a needed detour off of the main highway to hang out at a rest area for a while. 

Forgiveness isn't a one time event. It is a way of life because the lessons just keep coming. Forgiving others is important, especially those that provide the hardest of lessons over and over, however forgiving one's self is key. Be kind to yourself, don't accept less than you deserve.

 

1/3/13.... Lucky 13

So here we are, entering into the lucky number 13. Last night I returned from a trip to my beloved Texas, where I spent most of my time feeling under the weather, coughing, with a fever. I only saw about half the friends I had hoped to see. I am sure it was all just exactly the way it was supposed to be. Lots of quality time with Richard, three nights at Chateau René, a couple of meals with Dylan, and a Danny Britt gig at Donn's Depot. I really wish Monday night had not been New Year's so I could have done my usual Monday night thing, going to Mystery Monday, to see Sarah and Christine at El Mercado and Chris at Donn's but there is always next time.

The holidays season is normally a very happy, bustling, busy time for me. This year was different. I had no studio therefore no art shows. I sent store bought Christmas cards. My thirty some odd year old collection of Christmas decorations were in storage and I missed every annual party that I have attended for twenty or thirty years. I didn't go to Christmas Church Service at Willie's. But hey, change is good right? Ugh.

I don't remember a December ever that I had time to set and catch up on recorded TV shows. Good news is that Christian and Carrie have an excellent huge flat screen TV and it was too cold to go out and oh wait... I am in Missouri, I have no place to go. A couple of days before we went to Texas, I was catching up on "Long Island Medium" and Christian was making fun of me because Theresa, the star of the show communicates with people who have passed over. He thinks it is morbid so it was even funnier, on the way back to Missouri last night, Andrew and I were in the back set watching one of his favorite animated movies "ParaNorman," a movie about a little boy who talks to people who have crossed over. LOL

So today... I was on the phone with a friend, talking about how normal it seems to us that there are spirits among us and it dawned on her that it seemed like she had felt the presence of someone who had passed away on Christmas several years ago. Suddenly, across the room, the book "Where the Sidewalk Ends" by Shel Silverstein fell off of the bookshelf onto the floor. I told my friend on the phone and she said that it was odd because she was just looking at the same book on her bookshelf. She opened the book to this poem.

True Story

~ Shel Silverstein

This morning I jumped on my horse,

And went out for a ride,

And some wild outlaws chased me

And they shot me in the side.

So I crawled into a wildcat’s cave

To find a place to hide,

But some pirates found me sleeping there,

And soon they had me tied

To a pole and built a fire

Under me—I almost cried

Till a mermaid came and cut me loose

And begged to be my bride,

So I said I’d come back Wednesday

But I must admit I lied.

Then I ran into a jungle swamp

But I forgot my guide

And I stepped into some quicksand,

And no matter how I tried

I couldn’t get out, until I met

A water snake named Clyde,

Who pulled me to some cannibals

Who planned to have me fried.

But an eagle came and swooped me up

And through the air we flied,

But he dropped me in a boiling lake

A thousand miles wide.

And you’ll never guess what I did then—

I DIED.

So I am dedicating this poem to you my dear May 12th buddy. May your soul rest in peace.

Acceleration of Energy

The other day I picked up my phone to call my brother, Phillip, however my phone rang and it was him. We have one of those relationships... we can go weeks without talking and pick up right where we left off.  Those of you that really know us (like his wife, Deborah) are amused that we go into a zone of speaking in the "Phippo- CiCi language." If we are left alone for any amount of time we always end up speaking in the realm of spirituality and science. One minute we are talking about the Bible and the next minute we are talking about the effect words have on water molecules.

On this particular day I was saddened by the imbalance of mankind. Whether it be due to those who take advantage of kindhearted trusting people or the disenfranchised. Or the parents who neglect the responsibility of financial or moral support to their children, with not a thought of the lifelong effect it has on not only their children but their children's children. When I was younger I was positive that karma would catch up with these people. I also believed that if one lived a good life, good things would happen. But as I have gotten older I realized sometimes that just doesn't happen in this lifetime. There comes a time when one has to come to terms with the fact that sometimes life just isn't fair and it has been that way throughout the ages.

The Native Americans had their country taken, black people became slaves. Bankers continue to take people's homes, crooked investors take innocent client's life savings, greedy landlords raise rents unfairly, fathers don't pay child support forcing mothers and children to live in poverty and I don't even want to talk about how I feel about drug dealers. Then there are people who are simply unjustly judged simply due to their color or creed.

In Phillip's soothing calm tone he simply said to me "Vengeance is not ours." It was as if I had heard those words for the first time. In my mind's eye, I saw the face of Martin Luther King who fought for his rights and more importantly for the rights of others, fully knowing in his heart that he would never, in his lifetime, experience the wonderment of seeing someone that he fought for become the President of the United States. I got it. Vengeance is not ours. Faith is ours. Faith that one must hold close to our hearts while trusting our path.

I had lost faith on my life path. Over the next few days I started to feel that all the work I had been doing on myself had brought all of these changes on, sort of as the ultimate life test. But I felt that I had failed the test because when I left Austin November 5, what I was feeling was scared, alone, confused and betrayed due to an accumulation of life's events. The final straw was the landlord from hell. I had no idea the effect this man would have on my life. Two years ago I felt like I was on top of the world, I made a verbal agreement with him. He had a duplex right smack dab where I wanted to live in Central South Austin. I was excited to make my home and studio in 78704. I spent thousands of my own hard earned money to remodel his duplex. I carelessly signed a 15 page, 2 year lease without reading the contents because we had a verbal agreement that I would be there much longer and possibly buy it later. Then reality hit. He wasn't a nice man and he lived next door. I planned my days around when he was home as to not have a confrontation with him, as did everyone else in the cul-de-sac. As soon as my lease was up he refused to renew it, knowing that with all the expensive artistic improvements, he would be able to rent it for much more than I was paying.

I haven't written much on my blog since June because I was devastated on so many levels. The contents of my home but more importantly, my studio went into storage. Since then I felt sort of paralyzed, afraid that if I said or wrote anything it would just give what I was feeling power or I would be judged as a failure, or even worse, it would sound like I was complaining or blaming when in reality I have just been trying to make sense of it all.

As many of you know I moved to St Louis to live with my son, his wife and my 5 yr old grandson for a while. Then the other night my son Christian voiced his concern. I had always been the light house in his life, the force of positive energy that he could depend on. My light has not been shining.  As I lie curled up on the couch under a blanket, I was forced to put into words what I was feeling. All I could come up with was I felt like I had been knocked down so many times that I was having a hard time getting up. Feeling the need to just take a break from life, I stopped all my rituals of lighting a candles, praying and meditating. I stopped wishing on the first star in the sky at night, afraid to ask for anything because it felt as if everything I touched crumbled.

It didn't make sense. I had taken two art business classes from Kelly Rae Roberts, I was serious about taking my art business to the next level. I spent 2 years working day and night on myself and my art. I was doing art shows, selling art on Etsy, only to have it crumble when I lost my studio. Not only did I feel betrayed, but all of the betrayals of my life that I had not dealt with came to the surface. Sort of like the stories I hear about near death experiences, I had flashes of scenes in my life showing me how I could have handled situations in another manner as to not have been taken advantage of.

Through it all, those who believe in me, are still here. They took me in, helped me move and then move again and again, they took in my cat and my plants and gave me hope. They call me, email me and text me to make sure I am okay. I have realized that my achilles' heel is my home. Well, of course it is, I am a Taurus - Earth mother, homemaker. I have been devastated so many times due to the loss of my home and every time, it makes no sense. I now know that it is my life lesson and every time it happens I become less and less attached to material things. I have had this conversation with Phillip and gone so far as to relate it back to our Sephardic Jewish heritage.... but I am not going there, that is a whole other chapter in my blog.

Times are hard, not just for me but for everyone. Everyone is being faced with an acceleration of energy and now is the time to examine life long issues and make adjustments. We're in transition and in just a couple of days we will reach the point of alignment. On the Winter Solstice-Dec. 21, 2012, we're completing a 26,000 year cycle. This is huge. Our planet will align with the Great Central Sun, and the galactic center. Transmissions of unconditional, pure love will flow forth. Each of us will receive only to the extent we are capable of receiving.  A perfect way to participate is to just let our identities soften and be fluid. Allow yourself to receive all the experiences, the love, the support you need to reflect and be present to this change. It is as much a beginning as it is an end.
  
Trust your path. Do not compare yourself to anyone, just be you. Let yourself go at your pace-- just being you. Perfect and beautiful.

Speech by Obama.... Vote!

BRILLIANT: A