"Sex and the City" ... No Wait, We Are Just Friends

Have you ever watched "Sex and the City" and wondered how those ladies get into the situations they find themselves in?  For the past month I am feeling like Carrie writing  "Sex and the City" from the satellite office in Austin. And even weirder, I am living it. All I can say is I hope that whatever the lesson is in this, is learned right here and now because I don't ever want to be in this situation again as any of the players. It is has been a painful drain on my soul. I have so much more to do with my life.

If you have been following my blog, you already know that I broke up with Tony largely due to a woman named Suzanne who had been chasing him for a while. He called her two weeks after I broke up with him, saw her for a about a minute... okay maybe 2 months. According to her, they weren't sexually compatible so he very quickly moved on to seeing his ex-girlfriend, Leah, over the Christmas holidays, leaving Suzanne to believe there was something there. To top it off, he told me about both of the women IN AN EMAIL in January, after he had spent the month of December trying to reel me back in then went missing for the weekend in January. He seemed so surprise when I came unglued and told him I never wanted to see him again.


Now here is the funny part. He said he was being honest for the first time in his life and they were all "just friends" and wanted to be "friends" with me too. Well, looks like Tony is now very busy working his magic on his "friend" Leah because last night I got an email from Suzanne crying on my shoulder saying he couldn't seem to work her into his busy schedule and she is no longer invited to his gigs. Oh, this sounds familiar. You mean like when he was my boyfriend and he would "forget" to tell me about his gig so he could invite you to his gigs? She went on to say that she realized how difficult these last few years must have been for me and she hoped that this information would make me feel better about her and asked for forgiveness.

Really? Now that he has dropped her like a hot potato, she admits her wrong doing. And I should feel better why?  I had to explain to her again that he has made his way back to where his sex addiction thrives and she could have stayed in the game had she played it HIS WAY. I warned her 2 months ago and she defended him. It seemed odd that I had  to explain to her last night that she is no longer invited to his gigs because he now has Leah under his spell AGAIN for probably the 300th time in the past 20 years. In the eyes of an amateur it would seem that Leah is getting the better end of the deal. Not so, the honeymoon will be over for her soon. She is just another ....  well.... let's just say that just this week, he was still trying to reel me in to sleep with him.


Call me crazy but if he were being honest with everyone about his intentions, wouldn't everyone be invited to his gigs all the time? What a strange way to run a music business.


Ladies, listen to your intuition. You don't have to fix anyone no matter what kind of "potential" you see in them. Love does not hurt! Love is patient, love is kind. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. This all goes back to what I learned on Oprah's Life Class from Maya Angelou  "When someone tells you who they are, listen!" He renamed his band "The Charming Devils" last year and I hated it. I saw then we were headed for a fall and that is about the time his band members started to dissipate as well. Who goes around telling the world that they are a charming devil? Oh, a charming devil does.

Nice girls are the target for narcissistic people.  

~ Melody Ross, Brave Girls Club

My lesson. I have never seen myself as an addict until October. I finally had to admit that my life had become unmanageable due to an addiction to a relationship. When we feel incomplete we turn to our addictions and my addiction could never feel satisfied because I was in a relationship with a emotionally unavailable man who made me feel even more incomplete. Not only was I was feeling all of my emotions, I was feeling the emotions I felt that he should be feeling and didn't. I was like a ball in a cage, in the palm of his hand. Trapped in my addiction. I wasn't getting what I wanted out of the relationship and in the end, neither was he.


We look to outside sources to fill the void, anesticizing the feelings with our addictions. I spent October and November feeling like a phoenix rising from the ashes and then I fell right back into it in December and like any addict who has relapsed, I had to experience an even a lower bottom.  I have now began to rise again from the ashes but it makes me very sad that there is still damage being done. All I can do is pray for the highest good for all involved and walk away. 


I am looking for a miracle.

Saturn Return- Things are Happening Just As They Should

What is the Saturn Return? Just as it takes the Earth 365 days to orbit the Sun, it takes Saturn about 29.4 years for Saturn to return to where it was when you were born. So roughly the ages of 28-30 then again at 56-60 and again 84-90 Saturn return and creates a crisis that puts you face-to-face with your fears. But wait this sounds like something to dread but if you pay attention, it is really a time for growth.  It causes mini earthquakes to one's foundation, enabling us to shake off what's not for our highest good. Saturn is simply the instigator of change. It is all meant to lead us toward healing and a real foundation of self. At age 30, Vincent Van Gogh became a painter, instead of a minister. 

So, here I am half way into my 56th year. Entering into my second Saturn return. I have found myself RE-ACTING to the same scenario as the first Saturn return. And again the lesson is to let go of what's not working because when you hold on to things that Saturn is trying to break up, the suffering begins. Like being stuck in a relationship that's harmful to my spirit. Like Oprah says, listen to the whispers of the Universe so you don't have to get a thump on the side of the head and if you don't pay attention to the thump, you get a disaster.

At the age of 30 I was engaged to and living with Greg. About a year into the relationship, he realized that being in a monogamous relationship  and the step-father to my 2 children was just too much work. He took an easier route and left to go live with 4 women from his past, his "students" who were willing to support him financially while he taught. And even though he had moved out, he wanted to maintain our relationship on his terms. Hummm... sounds familiar, the same lesson has reappeared at age of 56. Unwilling to live by Greg's terms, I lost my house and car and it pole vaulted me into moving out of town to go back to art school which was the beginning of a new and better life. After I finished art school, I moved to Los Angeles and worked at an advertising agency. I never would have taken this leap of faith had it not been for the big shake up. 

So, here I am at my second Saturn return, I am taking 3 art classes and taking my art business to the next level. Right on time.  Re-writing my personal life script without the people and situations that no longer reflect who I am becoming. It is as if the unconscious conjuring up people, events, and situations that challenge and teach us. I have been challenged to look at the drama in my life as my responsibility and create a new and happier more prosperous life! See Saturn return isn't all bad. Today I am letting go of my past and trail blazing into new territory.

I Am Passionately Owning My Power and Feeling Beautiful!

Living in Love and Gratitude!

Girls Are Like Apples

I love my friends and family. A while back my friend Vicki said this saying to me so now every time I see her she asks if I am still at the top of the tree. Until yesterday I was sitting miserably at the top of the tree. Then I had lunch with my friend Christine at the shiny new Kerby Lane on South Lamar. Somehow when I am around her I feel like my frequency changes and I just pull up to the best I can be. Don't ask me how that happens. Maybe because even though she is a very busy person she does things like text message like "You're my inspiration" (as a visual artist) sang to the tune of  "What Am I To You?" What a nice thing to say. Anyway, yesterday's lunch was just typical girl talk, catching up. Okay, reality, I whined and she told me about all the Grammy parties she get to go to.  When I got home I had a new revived feeling about how my life should look as an artist as a woman. There is a very organized Virgo sort of way Christine does what she does. I was thinking "I have Virgo somewhere in my chart, I can do that!" laughing at myself. Then I went to Donn's Depot to see her play last night with my new perspective. I felt like I was ready to take on the world and actually feeling like I could date someone new for the first time in 4 years! It was like magic!

So yesterday Vicki posted the link on my facebook with a note saying "You are the shiniest, most beautiful, most desirable apple on the tree and so valuable to so many. 

Then my darling niece, Camille wrote "You re loved, cherished and needed and remember to live out all the great learning you have opened your heart to. Just remember, you are a sought after, respected and cherished artist, friend and mother. Feelings are temporal and inaccurate, your legacy precedes you and defines you. BE YOU! Love you much. 

Today my sweet sister came over and fixed a bad haircut I got a couple of weeks ago.

I am feeling the love today! Okay then... I have been sitting here crying for two weeks because why?

Inspiration

I woke up at 5 am to yet another bad dream. I put on some coffee, not feeling the inspiration I need to get my work done this morning before I go meet my trainer at the gym. The first thing on my list was to write my biography that is to go up with an art show that is about a month late. I haven't been able to pull together one cool thing to say about myself. Then I opened an email letting me know I am being featured on a blog today. It had a short bio of mine. Funny that I had forgotten who I am.  I am so thankful that the Universe is kind enough to whisper it in my ear. I really am grateful.

I am also grateful for my son, Christian. He called yesterday just as Tony was walking out the door. He had come over to change all of the contact and billing information on his website that I built over into his name. I am thinking that is the last of the lingering ties. I am amazed at how much of my time I spent building his musical career to have it end with him playing in a band with Bianca. It makes me sad. I have tried really hard to be friends with him but it just feels like he is stuck, even worse, going backwards and it feels so toxic. Boundaries are still very muddy and I am left feeling the emotions that he doesn't feel. Then I crash when he leaves.

Then I received an excited phone call from Christian about the new house he and his sweet little family are moving into in St Louis. Excited about planning our art business and going to market in Dallas. He reminded me that I was there for him getting over his addictions and he is here to help me get over my addiction to a bad relationship that has been equally as toxic. I am not sure why they call it heart break, my whole body hurts.

Iyanla VanZandt says there are but 2 emotions. Love and Fear. I am stuck in the fear this morning. There are 4 core fears and I am feeling them all.

• Fear of losing someone's love. 
• Fear of being powerless. 
• Fear of losing control. 
• Fear of not being necessary or valuable.

I also know that we are never fearful for the reason that we think we are. Triggers bring up old issues. So here is the wonderful blog with my art on it! I truly am grateful for the reminders that my art is inspirational and it is my goal to be an inspiration even when I am not having my best day.
Click here to see the blog I am featured in today

Nice Girls Do Have Choices - Make Good Ones!

Wow! I just had an Ah-Ha moment listening to Kelly Rae Roberts and Beth interview Melody Ross.

Nice girls are the target for narcissistic people.  

~ Melody Ross, Brave Girls Club


It wasn't until I was in maybe my forties that I realized that I, unlike many people came from a very loving, supportive family. A family that took in every stray child on the street and every long haired hippy with no place to crash. Years ago, all my siblings married and stayed married to people who just weren't that hospitable so even though both of my brothers and my sister still walk around with an open heart, smiling, hugging everyone and making everyone feel like they are the best thing since sliced bread, in essence they have watch dogs to keep them from being taken advantage of.  I, on the other hand, don't have the watch dog to take care of me. What was I thinking? That should have been at the top of my list of things to do. But no, I have continued to be the trusting, naive girl who still takes in every broken musician, even at the age of 56. Until just recently, I believed that everyone can change with just a little love and support. Now I know there isn't enough love on the planet to change someone who isn't ready to change. Now I can stop dreaming, wishing, hoping and wanting and just go ahead and fly!

Now I am listening to Melody Ross of Brave Girls Club, talk about building her business and realizing on a very deep level that not only do we have a choice as to WHO we associate with on every level (be it personal or business) but it is important to our success to stand firm in only associating with those people that are on the same frequency as we are on. It is an important choice and sometimes a very hard one when you care about someone who isn't ready to commit to themselves and commit to making positive changes, yet still complains that their life just isn't working. Or maybe not even complaining because they don't even see how much better it can be. You just have to walk away. It is okay to say "No, this isn't going to work for me."

Huge lesson! I don't have to fix anyone no matter what kind of "potential" I see in them. All I can do is offer up the information and if it isn't taken, walk on and don't look back. This all goes back to what I learned on Oprah's Life Class :

“The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them.” ―~ Maya Angelou

Note To Self: If you feel like you are soaring in your life, continue to soar, don't look back. Don't try to carry the load for someone who isn't willing to do the work. You will find yourself crying on your knees asking yourself what you did wrong. You did nothing wrong. They were not up to the task. Move On!

If we don't see eye to eye, heart to heart on really significant values then it isn't going to be beneficial for either of us. 

~ Kelly Rae Roberts

Why I Create

Oprah always says that everyone just wants to be heard or validated. True, very true. Being the youngest of 4 children most of my life (I had a younger brother for 4 years in elementary school who passed away) I never felt like I was heard unless I was upset and crying. Since that was my childhood experience, as I saw it, regardless of the fact that my older sister thought I was spoiled rotten, it seems that I have found myself in situations where I didn't feel validated. I just realized this morning, while working on my "Soul Sessions" class that it is a deep rooted thought. It is sort of an all or nothing thing for me. You are either with me or against me and there is no sitting on the fence, however I seem to have that repeat pattern of attracting the least emotional available men on the planet.

So when someone comes to my house and stands in awe of my art that covers every inch of my house, including my mosaic floors, I realize that is WHY I create. I became creative to get attention. Always thinking outside the box to stand out from the crowd and be noticed.

My family was always wrapped up in my brother's activities like football when I was growing up. Later he became a Grammy Award winning musician and still my parents followed him around the country going to his concerts. These day he is in awe of how far I have come as a designer and a fine artist, but I still seem to attract those that can still ignore my talent. Why? Exactly!  Why? That is the question.

Sometimes I forget who I am.  I have been running with a group of musicians most of my adult life so I normally fall into the background of the their musician talk. Since October I have spent much more time alone reflecting on who I am, what I want and how to get there. This week at Evangeline, I noticed a difference in the way it felt to sit quietly and listen to Danny and Tony talk about $45 guitar picks. Not as willing to just sit quietly and listen. Now that I am no longer the band girlfriend, sitting around and being supportive isn't very appealing. I have art to create!

So this weekend Kathy, John and Tammy were here from Dallas. Kathy had been to my house a million times so she was giddy at the thought of having her brother John and his girlfriend hang out with us at Donn's Depot on Saturday and come to my studio on Sunday. Donn's was fun. I introduced them to all my marvelous musician friends and they totally get music because their dad was a bass player in Dallas when they were growing up. But even more importantly, John is a creative soul, an artist. He gets who I am and what I do. He walked in my front door and his jaw dropped. He stood for 15 minutes looking at my mosaic tile bathroom floor with a dragonfly on it. He stood in my studio and examined every inch of crowded studio space. Kathy emailed me later and said that Tammy was so inspired that she is going to start doing mosaic again. Now that is what I am talking about! Someone gets my creative process!

I spend all day every day alone in my thoughts in my studio. It warms my heart to know that I feed the souls of others with my art. Friday night I was at Antone's, my niece, Cayce' band was playing. Her older brother, Derek, told me that he had a very cool experience this week. He was sitting in the Thundercloud on South Lamar at Manchaca, looked up and noticed my art surrounding him on every wall. He said he sat for a while and just listened to customers comment and said at one time he felt the urge to stand up and say "My aunt is the artist!"  How cool is that?  I have often heard it said by musicians that it is hardest to play for family and friends. Being an artist is the same. The people closest to you seem to have a notion of who you are that doesn't vary much. Being able to paint it on a canvas shines a whole new light on one's soul. Derek said to me "Those painting really come from a really emotional place don't they?" My answer to that is "Yes they do. I have paid my dues to get those images onto canvas. There is a story behind each of my "Luna Chicks" a broken heart, many tears and lots of dreams good and bad... emotion... raw unadulterated emotion.

The Fajardo Girls Out On Saturday Night

What a fun weekend it has been. My cousin, Kathy is here, visiting from Dallas. I say cousin but Kathy was married to my dear, dear cousin Paul and he passed away so Kathy and I remained cousins. Friday we went to "The Preservation's" CD release at "Waterloo Records" and then to "Antone's" to see them open for "The Gourds."

Saturday we spent the morning watching a chick flick then took a stroll down South Congress, ate at Guerro's, had a cup of coffee at Jo's and then went to dance to the music of Earl Poole Ball's new band at "The Continental Club." He has a killer new band that includes members of Robert Plant's new band.

We then met Kathy's brother John and his girlfriend at "Donn's Depot" to see Danny Britt, Marvin Dykhuis, David Carole and Chris Gage sitting in. What a night! We missed you Christine. I would have to say it has been the best weekend of music I have experienced in a while. Nothin' like a good sing along to "Twist and Shout" on a Saturday night!

The Preservation - You Don't Need Him CiCi

Cayce and Mario Matteoli

Last night was the first night I have gone out in a while. First to see Matt Smith and David Halley at Evangeline. I have been avoiding nights out on the town to avoid running into Tony. Of course he was there and of course we shared a table with Danny and Rene and then we went to The High Ball. I would have to say it feels healthier since I don't feel like I am living a lie.

Today continued to be a well deserved fun filled day and will be a fun night out on the town! My cousin Kathy is here from Dallas and I took her to my art hanging in the Thundercloud Sub at Lamar and Manchaca and then to see my niece Cayce and her husband Mario's band The Preservation. They had a CD release party at Waterloo Records.  Now we are now on our way out the door to see them open for the Gourds at Antone's.

Opening scene to the Video "Sweet Cecelia

In 2010 Mario wrote a song for me Called "Sweet Cecelia." They even named the band van "Saint Cecelia Preservation Church" I had sorta conveniently put the song out of my mind for a while. It has been one of band's most popular songs and it is always the second song they sing at every gig. Mario's sister Maria Matteoli, even did the video. It painted such a clear picture of my life and it was hard to watch back then.

For those of you who haven't known me for long, my full name is Cecelia Christina. My very close friends and family call me CiCi. How appropriate is it that my mom would name me after the patron saint of music, Saint Cecelia? Is it any wonder I have made it a life long past time of trying to save musicians? Out of the mouths of babes. This song nails my dysfunctional 4 yr. relationship with Tony. I wasn't ready to listen then. Today I heard the song with new ears and an open heart.

Click here to see the video "Sweet Cecelia."

Thanks to "The Preservation" for singing the song hundreds of times in the past two years. Sorry it took me so long to listen.

Band Members:
Mario Matteoli: guitar, vox
Cayce Matteoli: percussion, vox
Andy Bianculli: vox, keys, guitar
Ben Burdick: bass, vox
Josh Wienholt: drums

That is me... and the band van that is named after me!

 

 

My Mission Statement - Inspiring

OMG I said earlier this week that the "Soul Sessions Class" I am taking online should have come with a warning and I meant it in a bad way. I reluctantly forge through the fear, anger, pain and anxiety. For exactly one week my life was a mess, a total mess. I was crying buckets. Last night there was a crazy thunderstorm in Central Texas reminding me of the buckets of rain I had been crying. My cat was nervously setting next to me on the bed while I worked feverishly on my past weeks homework.I stayed up until 3 am, it was like the scene out of a movie. My brain was on overdrive and so was the weather.

Ahh... reminds me of a Dylan song that I love when performed by my friend, Jimmy LaFave.
{Song Break}  "Buckets of Rain"

Long story short after several hours of pondering, soul searching, drawing and writing, making lists, I came up with my mission statement.

Inspiring!  Inspiring! Inspiring! Inspiring!

Finally, I could go to bed.

In the morning I woke up slowly, drinking coffee and feeling pretty wonderful about my progress. Then the magic began. I opened a message from a customer on Etsy. She had found me by googling the words "Luna Chick" because her skydiving team was thinking that they may want to call themselves the "Luna Chicks" Oh.... that reminds me, I need to get that name trademarked. Does anyone know how to do that cheaply??  Anyway, she found my Etsy store and the first piece of art that came up was my "Luna Chick" and she said it was just like magic, It was exactly what she was looking for she wondered if they could use the art on their T-Shirt. So let me back up, I took an art business class with Kelly Rae Roberts this summer called "Flying Lessons" There were over 300 in the class world wide and about 25 or 30 of us have formed an online group and are still in touch every day supporting each other in our small art business ventures. We call ourselves "The Fly Girls." Okay so I am talking to this perfect stranger on the phone who is a skydiver, brainstorming about what they want to call themselves... maybe "Luna Chicks" maybe "Fly Girls" at any rate everything she said was so in line with what my "Fly Girls"are doing and talk about every day. Basically a wonderful group of women with a common interest, supporting each other. I was just in tears. She spoke of how as a team they had accomplished so much. We talked of the meaning of a TEAM. (Together Everyone Achieves More) At the end of our magical conversation, with so much sincere emotion she said that my art is just so INSPIRING. I just lost it. I told her I had been up until 3 am working on my mission statement and that INSPIRING was the exact word I had set my goal on. Within 7 hours I got a call from a total stranger telling me my art is inspiring.

Yeah.... I am pretty amazed. Again, I could not have gotten here without my team. You really never know where your team might show up but when you find them, don't take them for granted.

“What is a teacher? I’ll tell you: it isn’t someone who teaches something, but someone who inspires the student to give of her best in order to discover what she already knows.”
—  Paulo Coelho

Cha Cha Cha Changes!

Last week at this time I was a wreck. I spent the week trying to focus on art, my online classes, instead I just took a lot of baths and cried. When all else fails hang out with a grandson. I picked up Dylan for the weekend but then he had to go home so bright and early on Monday, I had a melt down. Fortunately, during the melt down I had a heart to heart talk with Tony and we planned lunch, then I had a therapy session scheduled.

Today was a new day. I had a 3 hour lunch date with Tony. He was being as honest as he knows how to be. Big step. He is finally learning that honesty is the best policy. I think... taking baby steps anyway. At any rate, I have been through the mill this week but I feel like I have learned so much about myself. I have some deep rooted thoughts about who I am supposed to be and the Universe seems to throw me curve balls to mold me into something new. The growing pains this week have been excruciatingly painful. Just trying to remember it is the journey, not the destination.